On the top shelf of my mother’s closet was a brown cardboard box, the size of a wine box, felted with wear.  Inside were the clothes of a woman I wished I’d met.  I would secretly pull the box down when she was out and gently unwrap the layers of tissue, dreaming of the life of the woman who wore these clothes.  Who was this woman who wore fringed suede and tassles?

I can still see the clothes that slipped out from the tissue into my hands: a fringed suede mini-skirt, a pink baby-doll mini-dress, a black sequinned and tasseled wool shell top, and a matching one in silver, a red and blue plaid maxi-dress with a line of fabric covered buttons, a pink cheong sam with a thigh-high slit.

Each piece was beautifully constructed and perfectly preserved, showing a tiny but curvy figure.  My 10-year old self had a hard time equating the woman who wore these clothes with my mother, who was…well…just Mum.  I swore to myself that when I could, I would wear clothes like this all my life – I wouldn’t lose my identity to children or, God forbid, a husband!

I realise now that I am older now than my mother was when I pawed steathily through her treasured clothes.  I realise now that my mother gripped on to her identity, despite working full time with three young children and having a singer as a husband so there was little money to go around.

She was still stylish in an 80’s kind of way, wearing primary colours and shoulder pads (in sweaters!).  She had a passion for redecorating the house – think the 70’s glory of shag pile carpet, cork tiles and the coolest white pedestal table.  She performed – one of my earliest memories is of my brother and I sitting in a darkened theatre, busy colouring in, as my mother rehearsed her role as Anita in West Side Story in the background or cringing as only children can do as my mother rehearsed acting drunk in a cabaret show she was in.  She continued being in shows all through my childhood – in the theatre she wasn’t a mum or a wife or a teacher, she was Andrea.

She might not have continued to wear suede mini-skirts and dresses with thigh-high slits, but she held on to her sense of self.  Now I understand what it is like to become immersed in work, relationships and children, I look back at how she held onto her identity with wonder and pride.  I understand why she seldom let me borrow those clothes, keeping that piece of herself for herself.

I still covet the box though – and still dream about meeting the woman who wore those clothes.

I love you Mum.  Happy 70th Birthday. xxx

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After a breakup you can feel stressed – how stressed are you really?  Take the  Holmes-Rahe Stress Test to see where you are on the scale.  You might be surprised to discover that in addition to your breakup there are a whole lot of other things that affect your stress levels – moving homes, your money situation changes, and ever the number of arguments changes!  All these things affect your stress levels.

After I broke up with Toshi my ex husband, I scored off the chart – there were so many changes in my life!  And stress for me shows in different ways:

• I get sick
• I have accidents!
• I can’t sleep
• or I sleep too much
• I eat far too much
• or I lose interest in food
• I party
• I get obsessive about something – creating a new look, buying a house, a crush, finding a new job, starting a new business – anything to keep my mind busy!

Not of these things are great for me, and so it’s good to be aware of the reasons why I am obsessing or drinking or not sleeping so I can at least minimize the damage.  I can be sure I take a taxi, I can understand that the cute guy in accounts may not be my next true love just because he looked at me, I can take some action to help my insomnia.

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I’ve been reading Sarah Water’s gothic tale The Little Stranger.  It is classified as a ‘literary ghost story’ and that describes it well.  A slow but absorbing read, with layers of meaning.  Not a quick book to read on the plane, but instead one you can enjoy once you are on your holiday and have time to linger over it.

There is a breakup in the book and Waters describes the feelings and thoughts you go through straight after perfectly:

My mind, sober, felt as though it would burst.  The simple loss of Caroline was hard enough to bear, but the loss of her was the loss of so much more.  Everything Id planned and hoped for, I could see it – I could see it, melting away from me!  I was like a thirsty man reaching after a mirage of water – putting out my hands to the vision and watching it turn to dust.  And there was all the stab and humiliation of having supposed it to be mine.  I thought of people who must now be told:  Seeley , Graham, the Desmonds, the Rossiters – everyone.  I saw their sympathetic or pitying faces, and I imagined the sympathy and pity turning, behind my back, to scandal and satisfaction…I couldn’t bear it.

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I’ve been enjoying the dating diaries posts on Marvi Marti’s blog. She is doing the whole internet dating thing in her 40s and she is not shy to write about how it’s going.  She writes with humor and honesty – worth checking out!

In one of her latest posts she writes about the benefits of background checks. A post on Life Bytes that poses the question: how well do you know who you are dating? inspired her writing and both are worth reading and thinking about.  I sure could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had background checked B – the rat bastard!  I am sure there would have been red flags a plenty.

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I have had a few emails this week from a lovely young woman who is dealing with an ex who just won’t leave her alone.  They broke up a while ago and she has already had to change her cellphone number as he wouldn’t stop calling her.  Now he is calling her at work, harassing her to get back together with him.

What can you do if your ex won’t leave you alone?

Firstly make sure you’re not sending mixed messages – the old song goes ‘you’ve got to be cruel to be kind’ and in this situation it is true.  You might feel like a heartless bitch when you tell him you are really not into him, and there is no way you are getting back together.  It might make you feel uncomfortable to be so blunt, but in the long run you will save yourself a lot of hassle later on.  If you’re not completely honest, he might believe that he still has a chance with you.

Dragging things out can have the same result as well – if you spend a lot of time together, your ex may believe that there is hope for you as a couple.  You can be friends, but usually you need some time apart to change from lovers to friends.  The distance helps you to break your couple habits.

If you’ve been blunt and he still isn’t getting the message, and it is starting to annoy you, you could ask one of his friends to intervene.  Your not asking them to take your side, you are asking them to look after your ex, help him see that he is wasting his time on you.

Finally sometimes you just have to ignore him.  If talking is not working – in fact any communication seems to encourage him – it’s time to stop taking his calls.  You are not that special person in his life any more who is there to make his problems better, he needs to find other support to get him through this tough time.

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Rata in flower

I’m enjoying the small things in life so much –  there’s a lot to appreciate in Autumn (I live in the Southern Hemisphere).  On my morning walk I pass a flowering Rata, which is a native tree that starts off perched on a host tree until it takes it over.  I’m not sure if I’ve noticed one flowering before, so it’s wonderful to see it everyday.

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Ever thought about revenge after breaking up?  Did your ex do something so bad that you want to kick his arse?  Check out this article about two women finding out that they had been seeing the same guy at the same time.

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Getting What You Need To Get Organized

My big objective this week (ooh now it has moved onto the big objective of the month!) was to get organized – I have had enough of not knowing what bills need paying!   For me, any big life change – breakups, moving, a new job, a new baby – brings chaos.  So it’s time to get organized – and to sort my paperwork I need a few things to get a new system in place.  I might not be able to control my emotions but I can control my desk!

Today’s objective is to get the things I need and to collect up the paperwork that is dotted around the house.

I worked out that I need:

1. 2 x trays
2. A concertina file or a ring binder (with hole punch and card separators).

At the moment I am all about reusing what I have in the house as I’m trying to be frugal – so I’ve gone for a plastic bin and a wire tray. I also had an old concertina  file so I’m reusing that.   These aren’t that pretty but they’ll do.  You don’t need to have boring office-like or necessarily new tools to get going – if you’re broke you could just cover a couple of old shoeboxes for your trays,   Or you could find something like I have around the house to use – a basket someone used to give you a gift basket, an old hat box – there’s no need to be matchy-matchy. There are funky cardboard file boxes at those little Asian shops you see about town. Or you could go minimalist and use brown cardboard or white plastic.

Collect up the paperwork:

Now wander around your house and pick up all the paperwork that needs sorting out and cram it into one of your trays. If you are anything like me random receipts, letters, brochures, bills, magazines will be building up in small piles around the house, especially when I am going through some strife in my life.  Check your handbag, your car, under your bed and anywhere else papers might have drifted.

Grab it all up and put it in your tray/box/basket. This is now your in-tray where all this kind of paperwork belongs.

That’s it!  Let’s look at what to do with it all tomorrow.

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In the middle of your breakup chaos take some time out each week to remind yourself of what you are thankful for.  It’ll make you a happier and healthier person

I am thankful for:

1.  My home: I complain about it a lot as like many older homes it constantly needs work, but with Christchurch and Japan’s earthquakes fresh in my mind, having a secure home is a great thing.

2.  My happy little F: After doubting that I would ever be able to have a child, my bright little bean is still a wonder to me.

3.  Time to write:  Even though it is very early in the morning (and I am not a
morning person!) just having that half hour to write around the baby and breastfeeding madness, keeps me sane and reminds me who I am.

4. A wonderfully supportive family: Something I can never be thankful enough about.

5:  Lunch plans: It’s the small things that make life great, and looking forward to having lunch at a gorgeous vineyard tomorrow is a real treat. Just having something to look forward to is something to be grateful for!

Your turn: what are you thankful for?

This month’s Breakup Bitch Monthly is out soon – and it is all about being thankful, and how this has been proven to improve your happiness level and health.  Subscribe now to get your issue sent to your inbox.

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The author Ryu Murakami has written this beautiful article about the hope the earthquake has brought Japan, translated into English for The New York Times.  It’s inspiring.

But for all we’ve lost, hope is in fact one thing we Japanese have regained.

Ryu Murakami

Take a look here at a photo of the rebuild of a road in just 4 days.  This is one country that can come together, heal and rebuild.

I’m donating half of every book purchase until the end of April to the Red Cross Appeal supporting disaster relief efforts in Japan.

Spend $24, I donate $12.

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