I met Rick at his house in the country sitting on the porch with a view over fields to the Pacific Ocean. His wife sits with us, letting out a occasional hoot of laughter as he tells his story.  Rick leaned forward in his chair, his curly hair a halo in the sun and his Clint Eastood jaw jutted in frustration as he started his story.  He met Christa at a party at his house.  He became intrigued, she was witty and her confidence attracted him. He didn’t realize that she was drunk, and was one of those people more interesting when drinking than not.   They had a good mutual friend so by the end of the night Rick arranged for the three of them to catch up later in the week.  Fast forward a month – they had been out a few times but Rick had realized that Christa was far from the confident person she portrayed at the party.

‘She was uptight,’ he said. ‘Not meaning sex, but about life and she didn’t seem that interested in dating me.  That was fine – I thought we’d end up being that kind of friend you just see around.  As soon as I said this, she became interested and started pursuing me.  But in an indirect way, it was really strange. ’

This went on for years.  She would show up at his house randomly or call him, and whenever he saw her around there would be an insinuation of flirting but nothing outright.

‘I thought I might be paranoid, I tried to say something but she would just twist and deny it – but she kept acting as though she was interested in me.  At one point I was dating another girl May, and when Christa showed up yet again we staged it so it looked like we’d just got out of bed.  I thought she’d get the picture but she wouldn’t give up.   Much later when I was single again she came to visit me at College and so I decided to seduce her.  I thought it would put her in one camp or the other and then I could deal with it.  She backed right off.  It was a relief when she left me alone. ’

Most women I know haven’t been extreme with their ‘checking in’ on their ex, but even if your stalking isn’t noticed by him or others, you know about it.  Try your best to avoid it, but if you do succumb, just get back on the Ex-Purge program, keep up no contact and don’t be hard on yourself.

This is an excerpt from The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book – a 200-page book, workbook and email coaching program based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download the full sample chapter here.

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Confession: checking Brian’s dating site profiles

I was the only one who knew about my stalking behavior.  For months after I broke up with that cheating Rat Bastard Brian I didn’t call him, I didn’t see him,  we negotiated settling our house by email and lawyer (which was horrific).  I  felt like I did all the right things.

All the right things except one: I had this compulsion to check his dating website profiles.  In my drive to discover everything I could about his cheating, I found several sites he was registered on (before we broke up).  I went back a few times a week to see when his profile was last active – even though there was no activity that I could see.  I had to register myself to see what he was up to, and some of these sites were less than classy.

It was a compulsion that wasn’t good as it kept me involved with him and depressed me – I made myself cringe.  I finally told a friend what I was up to.  Outing my behavior made it easier to give it up.

No stalking behavior is going to help you get over him. And even if you are holding any dreams of getting back together with him (we’ll work on that later) stalking him is the quickest way to make sure he won’t be interested in you.

A friend of mine Andrea wrote me an email about No Contact, and finished with this:

He won’t be happy to hear from you.  If he’s really missing you he could also think of million excuses to contact you.  You just look like a stalker, a desperate woman and that’s not attractive.

You don’t want to be that girl that he turns into a funny story to amuse his friends with – and tomorrow we’ll hear from a guy’s point of view what it is like to be stalked.

This is an excerpt from The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book – a 200-page book, workbook and email coaching program based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download the full sample chapter here.

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I don’t like to write too much about stalking as a stage of breaking up as I think it is a cliche  – women who break up end up stalking their exes, going all Fatal Attraction on their asses!  How many breakup books do you read warnings about doing this?  And how many women actually do end up acting like Glenn Close?  Not many.

But it is hard to break the habit of being with, caring about, and knowing about your ex after you breakup.  And it can lead to mild stalker-like behavior.

Do you recognize any of these?

• You are thinking about doing a drive-by.  Who’s going to know if you just do a quick drive down his road to see if his car is in at 2am in the morning?
• Or you are thinking to call or IM him to see how he is.  It’s been a long time since you’ve talked and you used to talk at least three times a day as well as see each other.  Just one call: what would it hurt?
• You think you might snoop at his Facebook account while at your girlfriend’s house to see how he’s doing.  She still is his friend so you’ll be able to see what is up with him on her account.  Who will know?

Besides your girlfriend looking over your shoulder thinking what a sad case you are, you will know.  You are taking all these great steps forward and then bang, you’ve just propelled yourself backwards again.

I have a bit of a confession about my own stalker-ish behavior that I will share with you tomorrow.  Don’t be hard on yourself if you are showing some of the signs – we all have that temptation to get back in touch.  But it won’t help you in the long run.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, and finding healthy diversions, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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