Who can blame you if you feel like you are in a hurry to get over your ex?  Patience is something we often don’t have when we face an emotional upheaval like a breakup.  Being stuck in grief and waiting to get used to the changes we face is not fun  – no one likes pain or discomfort.  We want the storm to pass quickly so we can get on with the new stage of our lives.

But sometimes being in a hurry means we don’t process our grief like we we need to. You deny that you feel bad and instead divert your sadness into getting busy – maybe you develop a crush and convince yourself that this is the man of your dreams.  Or you throw yourself into your work or your family.  Perhaps you drink your sorrows away, partying away the grief.

In our fast lives we expect everything instantly.  If the webpage doesn’t download in seconds we are off to find a different page, if a restaurant doesn’t serve you quickly, you complain.  And likewise you may expect your broken heart to mend right now. If it doesn’t, you fight against it.  You push to move on, instead of accepting that some things still do take time.

How much time?  I can’t tell you that – you probably already have an idea of the time it takes you to really get over someone.  One day you will wake up and you will realize the neutral zone has passed and you’re ready for your new life.

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Many of us turn to our friends and family to talk through our problems after we breakup (or in fact have any major issue in our lives).  We go over our sadness, what he did, what we did, what we should have done, what he shouldn’t have done.  We rehash it…again and again.

But this stage of breaking up isn’t something that will help you get over your ex.  I’ve been reading an interesting little book called 59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot , written by Professor Richard Wiseman.  He looks at the scientific studies backing common self-help exercises to see if they really work.  And talking through your problems after breaking up helps less than you may think.

Most of us believe that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’  But a Belgium study looked at the affect of sharing a traumatic experience with someone else – and it showed that it made no difference in helping them cope.  Several studies though have shown that writing down (and you can just spend a few minutes a day doing this) your deepest thoughts and feelings about your problem can help improve your psychological and physical well-being.

…including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness.

Richard Wiseman, 59 Seconds

So why does talking about it not work, while writing does help?  Just talking about your problems is somewhat chaotic and can lead to more confusion but researchers believe that writing gives you the chance to structure your thoughts, you ‘create a storyline’ and this helps you to make sense of what happened to you.  From there, you can work towards a solution.

I definitely found that when I was on the rocky road of ending my marriage, my diary helped.  It gave me a sense of control – whatever the mayhem around me, I was able to keep writing in my diary and this helped me to ’see’ what was going on.  It gave me perspective in the muddle of devastation.  The other thing it did was help me to see what was bothering me.  Maybe I moaned to my friends about my relationship problems, but it wasn’t until I saw the same issues coming up again and again in my diary was I motivated to do anything about it.

It was helpful to write in the aftermath of my breakup.  As I channeled my complaints and grief onto the pages, my head cleared and I could think about other things for some of the time.  I could rehash and rewrite my past, and I could see that logically I had made the right decision.  It’s hard to think about going back when you have pages and pages of writing about how unhappy you were in the relationship – no matter what you tried.

So try it out, grab a notebook – something sturdy and small you can carry around with you – and get writing.  Put some structure to your grief, and find the way forward.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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I just found out a friend of mine is breaking up with her adorable boyfriend.  They moved in together about three months ago and everything was going so well.  Until something got in their romance’s way…it’s made me think of the tragic breakup.

Not all breakups are arguments and recriminations – sometimes our timing is out, or our situations don’t match, and this creates a tragic breakup.  You still love each other, and want to be together but it is not possible.  No one’s fault, it just isn’t meant to be.

For my friend, her boyfriend is from another country and after a romantic trip to the homeland to introduce her to friends and family, he realized that he belonged there.  He loves her, but can’t see living in our country permanently, speaking a different language, eating different food and struggling with a different system of doing things for his whole life.  It is understandable – having lived in an extremely different culture before, I relate to his situation.  The only way I could do it was to give it a time limit, to know that I would move back into an easier culture (for me) within 5 years.  Knowing that when I had children, it would be near my family.

But for my friend, it just wasn’t possible.  And she can’t leave here to be with him in his country.  She has health issues and wants to stay here close to her support and her family.  And she has always been clear about that.

So it is a tragic breakup – no blame, no fault, just sad.  I’ve never gone through a tragic breakup, so I don’t know if it is harder to get over.  Would I start to think of ‘what ifs’ afterward?  Would it be harder to let him go?  Would I find ‘no contact’ too hard to do?  How would I get through with no anger?

I hope my friend will be OK.  She is distraught and I feel for her as it’s just the beginning of the stages of breaking up for her, and that first month is so hard.  She is strong, I know she will cope, but it is tragic that she has to go through this.

Are you in the middle of a tragic breakup and need some extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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…and then suddenly take 1 step back?

This week was interesting as I have been feeling really good, but then some small things cropped up in my life (other people’s bad news and talking about my past bad luck) that brings back some of the black feelings that I used to have.  It is amazing how real and sudden those sad depressive feelings can rise up.

To read an email from a woman trying to deal with recurrent miscarriage was incredibly sad for me, and put me in a spin, like I was back in her shoes for a morning.  How can we feel for others but then not actually have to ‘feel’ what they are going through?  I guess it is part of being a sympathetic, feeling person.

Last week, I heard about a friend’s colleague who is going through a massive breakup (kids involved) as Mr Selfish is off having an affair – and she knew nothing about it.  Hearing news like this just makes my heart sink.  What an awful thing to have to go through – not nice and not fair.  And although I can’t know what she is feeling, I have an understanding of what she is going through.

The grief from broken relationships and other losses doesn’t really disappear, it just gets overwhelmed with other positive things as life continues on.  But from what I felt this week, I can see that the grief is still there, just waiting to be drilled into.

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Sometimes things just don't go according to plan!

2010 is to be the year things go smoothly – I thought – I deserve it after last year.  If only we could control the universe in that way!  This week I had a trip to the hospital, a leak in the bathroom has caved in the downstairs bedroom ceiling, someone stole my phone and I’m not starting the graduate course I applied for.

I thought the year had started well -  the Husband is off walking the whole of length of New Zealand to get some space and release some of that 2009 stress.  I have some (head) space for me to get grounded after the year that was bloody awful (and an excuse to visit parts of the country that I haven’t been to for a while).

But my 2010 plans seem to already be going awry – I hoped to do some graduate study this year but an admin error held up my application long enough so I missed out this semester.  It felt like the right thing to do when I was applying, but as I can’t do it Right Now, the appeal is waning.  So perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do.  Perhaps I was just filling my mind with thinking about the future, rather than dealing the grief of the past and present.

I have more than enough projects started to keep me busy, but after the grief of last year I wanted Something Else.  I wanted to get away from my life as it was, and move somehow into a new life that doesn’t contain grief and sadness and frustration.  I’m not sure how a graduate programme was going to do that, but it might have kept me so busy I wouldn’t think.

So this is something to think about when you are working out your goals and dreams – check your motivation.  Are you running away from something, rather than moving forward?  Have you taken the time you need to grieve your old life and relationship, so when it is time to move into your new life you are ready?

I don’t think I had taken enough time.  I need to let myself be busy for the next few months, but not so frenetic that there isn’t a moment to breathe.  What do you need to let yourself do this year?

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I haven’t written for a while – 2009 ended badly and I couldn’t focus on my blog.  I had a bad year in general in 2009, but I kept trying to keep my positivity going saying ‘there are many great things about 2009.’  Indeed there were many great things about 2009 that I am thankful for.

I almost finished my Smart Woman’s Breakup Book manuscript, and got great responses from the professional writers who edited it.  I completed my writing diploma.  I met many great people and had a wonderful time in the US again.  I came back to NZ and moved into my wonderful house.  I had my first wedding anniversary with my lovely husband.  If you didn’t know me well, you would think I was living a dream life, but appearances can be deceptive.

But I also suffered through 6 miscarriages.  My grief is so huge that it is beyond processing, and instead I have become numb.  The last one started the week of Christmas, so you can understand how happy I was to say good-bye to 2009.  2010 is going to be much better.  I know so many people who had a hard 2009 – what with the recession, but also many people going through personal crises as well.  There are many of us saying ‘hello and welcome’ to the New Year.

You may well feel the same.

So I decided to start the blog this year writing about hopes and dreams – and goal setting to get you there!  I need to be positive again – and I guess so do you.  Let’s get on with building a better future!

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Now I know I’ve got a heart, because it’s breaking.

Tin Woodsman, The Wizard of Oz

If you are interested in more sad breakup quotes – check out The Breakup Bitch Quote site.

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In today’s article in my series on the stages of breaking up, I’ll look at the big question: how long will it take to get over your breakup?  For a major breakup, studies have shown that the time for change and personal growth can be anywhere from six months to two years after the break.   I met women who were out dating again after three months and one who said that her last breakup took two years (although she was also grieving her dream of having children at the same time).

The breaker and the breakee

If he broke up with you: you look at him jealously as you are sure he isn’t feeling as bad as you do.  You are sure the one doing the dumping has an easier time. But it isn’t true – research has found that both partners go through a similar pattern of mourning the lost relationship. It seems harder for you right now, because you have had less time to adjust. The person initiating the breakup will have done some of their mourning while still in the relationship, making the decision to breakup is part of the process.

With most of us, we’ve had deep and meaningful discussions with our ex before breaking up. We might have fought, had a trial separation, or had a feeling something was going on. We’ve wondered if it was all going to work out, and we might even have thought about life without him. These are the early stages of mourning the relationship. For those of you truly shocked at an unexpected ending, you only just have your first foot aboard the breakup train, so there is further for you to go. But know you will get through it.

I take 6 months

Me?  I take six months.  Before you panic, that’s not six months of boohooing into a hanky.  Some of the time I’m crying (I’m a crier anyway), sometimes I’m out with the girls, rearranging my house, boring my friends with stories about my ex, mooning over a new crush or two, working hard, picking up a new hobby and generally working out who the hell I am all over again.  It’s a busy six months.

I need that time to adjust and to recognize myself again. Sometimes it’s crap and I feel lost.  But there’s something exciting about it as well. I would never give it up as it comes with a sense of freedom – who am I and who can I be?

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours,  check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.

Bette Davis

Click here if you are interested in other really sad breakup quotes.

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Like an alcoholic giving up vodka…

To understand the stages of breaking up, we need to think about what breaking up is doing to your brain.  Like withdrawal from a drug, a breakup is withdrawal from a person – and it’s hard to see past this.

(Breaking up) actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.  That brain region desperately, hungrily seeks the loved one.  Withdrawal – as if weaning from a drug – takes over.

Louann Brizindine, Neuropsychiatrist – The Female Brain

You will crave your ‘drug’ – your ex. It is normal to think obsessively about him as your brain searches to get its ‘fix’ of love hormones. Compound this with your grief as you realize what you are letting go of – not just your ex but your previous life as a couple – it becomes a rocky ride.   You obsess about him and about your breakup recovery process.

The love hormones are a chemical in your body, so it isn’t just a mental withdrawal – it is a physical withdrawal as well.  Think of all the wonderful fuzzy feelings you had when you hug, kiss and had sex with your ex.  They are hormones being released into your body to promote bonding and attachment.  The first stage of breaking up is going cold turkey from them.  It is not that you’re not strong and finding it difficult to handle, instead it is partly a chemical withdrawal.

That is why following the no contact rule is so important.  Like an alcoholic giving up the vodka, you need to go cold turkey when breaking up with your ex.  This is the first stage you face when breaking up.

Amazon             New Zealand’s Fishpond Booksite:

The Female Brain

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, or working out whether indeed you should breakup, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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