After a breakup you can feel stressed – how stressed are you really?  Take the  Holmes-Rahe Stress Test to see where you are on the scale.  You might be surprised to discover that in addition to your breakup there are a whole lot of other things that affect your stress levels – moving homes, your money situation changes, and ever the number of arguments changes!  All these things affect your stress levels.

After I broke up with Toshi my ex husband, I scored off the chart – there were so many changes in my life!  And stress for me shows in different ways:

• I get sick
• I have accidents!
• I can’t sleep
• or I sleep too much
• I eat far too much
• or I lose interest in food
• I party
• I get obsessive about something – creating a new look, buying a house, a crush, finding a new job, starting a new business – anything to keep my mind busy!

Not of these things are great for me, and so it’s good to be aware of the reasons why I am obsessing or drinking or not sleeping so I can at least minimize the damage.  I can be sure I take a taxi, I can understand that the cute guy in accounts may not be my next true love just because he looked at me, I can take some action to help my insomnia.

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I’ve been reading Sarah Water’s gothic tale The Little Stranger.  It is classified as a ‘literary ghost story’ and that describes it well.  A slow but absorbing read, with layers of meaning.  Not a quick book to read on the plane, but instead one you can enjoy once you are on your holiday and have time to linger over it.

There is a breakup in the book and Waters describes the feelings and thoughts you go through straight after perfectly:

My mind, sober, felt as though it would burst.  The simple loss of Caroline was hard enough to bear, but the loss of her was the loss of so much more.  Everything Id planned and hoped for, I could see it – I could see it, melting away from me!  I was like a thirsty man reaching after a mirage of water – putting out my hands to the vision and watching it turn to dust.  And there was all the stab and humiliation of having supposed it to be mine.  I thought of people who must now be told:  Seeley , Graham, the Desmonds, the Rossiters – everyone.  I saw their sympathetic or pitying faces, and I imagined the sympathy and pity turning, behind my back, to scandal and satisfaction…I couldn’t bear it.

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I’ve been enjoying the dating diaries posts on Marvi Marti’s blog. She is doing the whole internet dating thing in her 40s and she is not shy to write about how it’s going.  She writes with humor and honesty – worth checking out!

In one of her latest posts she writes about the benefits of background checks. A post on Life Bytes that poses the question: how well do you know who you are dating? inspired her writing and both are worth reading and thinking about.  I sure could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had background checked B – the rat bastard!  I am sure there would have been red flags a plenty.

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I have had a few emails this week from a lovely young woman who is dealing with an ex who just won’t leave her alone.  They broke up a while ago and she has already had to change her cellphone number as he wouldn’t stop calling her.  Now he is calling her at work, harassing her to get back together with him.

What can you do if your ex won’t leave you alone?

Firstly make sure you’re not sending mixed messages – the old song goes ‘you’ve got to be cruel to be kind’ and in this situation it is true.  You might feel like a heartless bitch when you tell him you are really not into him, and there is no way you are getting back together.  It might make you feel uncomfortable to be so blunt, but in the long run you will save yourself a lot of hassle later on.  If you’re not completely honest, he might believe that he still has a chance with you.

Dragging things out can have the same result as well – if you spend a lot of time together, your ex may believe that there is hope for you as a couple.  You can be friends, but usually you need some time apart to change from lovers to friends.  The distance helps you to break your couple habits.

If you’ve been blunt and he still isn’t getting the message, and it is starting to annoy you, you could ask one of his friends to intervene.  Your not asking them to take your side, you are asking them to look after your ex, help him see that he is wasting his time on you.

Finally sometimes you just have to ignore him.  If talking is not working – in fact any communication seems to encourage him – it’s time to stop taking his calls.  You are not that special person in his life any more who is there to make his problems better, he needs to find other support to get him through this tough time.

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Ever thought about revenge after breaking up?  Did your ex do something so bad that you want to kick his arse?  Check out this article about two women finding out that they had been seeing the same guy at the same time.

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I just want to wish you all the best Christmas with lots of wonderful hugs and good times with those you are close to.  Enjoy, eat, drink and chat!

And if you are feeling adventurous this holiday season, you could try to make a traditional New Zealand dessert called a Pavlova.  If you haven’t experienced such a dessert you are missing out.  When I last lived in the US I frequently made them and it quickly became a favorite amongst my American friends.  It is light and fluffy, sweet and crunchy.  It is divine!  And although egg whites are involved (it’s like a giant meringue but better) it is simple to make.

This is what it looks like without being dressed up - not very exciting but oh, so delicious

This is what it looks like dressed!

My favorite recipe is here on the ecook site – and the last time I made it, I doubled the recipe.  Take a read of the tips as well to help you get through your first.

Merry Christmas!

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Holidays can be a hard time when you are fresh from a breakup – romance seems to be everywhere, rubbing your nose in it.

1.  Keep close to supportive people

This may or may not be your family – make sure you see people who are supportive and non-judgmental.    Of course you can’t always choose who you are sharing your turkey with, but you can choose who you confide in.  Don’t feel like you have to tell all your relatives the details about your breakup.  You could ask an intermediary to tell less-close relatives that it has happened (to save the questions about why your ex isn’t at the Christmas table on the day), and ask them not to bring it up so you can relax on the day.

2.  Get some hugs in

Christmas and New Year’s is a great time to get hugs from your nephews and nieces, to spend time playing games with them, to find a little bit of joy in being a kid again.  Children can be uplifting, hang out with them for some of the celebrations.

3.  Avoid too much champagne

You don’t have to give it up all together but watch how much you are drinking.  The last thing you want to end up doing is drunkenly crying on your Great Aunt Agatha’s shoulder at the end of the evening – or face a massive depressive hangover the next day.  Try to keep things in moderation – and balance the high without the low that alcohol can bring.

4.  Revel in the benefits of being single right now

You do not have to put up with his crazy relatives.  You do not have to rush around doing two families in the holiday season.  You do not have to compromise on where to go away to.  You can spend the money you would usually spend on his present and spend it on something you really want.  You can talk to that cute guy at the New Year’s party without feeling guilty.  You can sloth around or be crazily busy on your days off and do exactly what you want to do.  What is better than that?

5.  Go party

It is the party season, so take advantage of it!  Go dancing, eat canapes, look fabulous and enjoy getting out there.  It’s a great time of year, enjoy it (but watch the alcohol – see point 3).

6.  Avoid him

It is going to be difficult as you probably have similar friends, but try to avoid bars or parties that you think he will go to (or find out for sure from your friends before committing to attending).  You don’t want to end up having a boring deep and meaningful discussion with him close to midnight on New Year’s Eve when there are cute guys to flirt with.

7.  Spend some time alone

In amongst all this busy-ness, take some time out for you.  I wrote a bit about looking at your dreams and goals yesterday – go for walks and think about what you want for 2011.  Take some time writing in your diary about what you have been through this past year, what you are thankful for, and what you are concerned about and what you hope for in the year ahead.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, get to hug lots of close people and see all that you are thankful for – I know I will be!

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Who can blame you if you feel like you are in a hurry to get over your ex?  Patience is something we often don’t have when we face an emotional upheaval like a breakup.  Being stuck in grief and waiting to get used to the changes we face is not fun  – no one likes pain or discomfort.  We want the storm to pass quickly so we can get on with the new stage of our lives.

But sometimes being in a hurry means we don’t process our grief like we we need to. You deny that you feel bad and instead divert your sadness into getting busy – maybe you develop a crush and convince yourself that this is the man of your dreams.  Or you throw yourself into your work or your family.  Perhaps you drink your sorrows away, partying away the grief.

In our fast lives we expect everything instantly.  If the webpage doesn’t download in seconds we are off to find a different page, if a restaurant doesn’t serve you quickly, you complain.  And likewise you may expect your broken heart to mend right now. If it doesn’t, you fight against it.  You push to move on, instead of accepting that some things still do take time.

How much time?  I can’t tell you that – you probably already have an idea of the time it takes you to really get over someone.  One day you will wake up and you will realize the neutral zone has passed and you’re ready for your new life.

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‘If a book could be a best friend, this could be it.’

Tina, writer

I am so excited to finally have The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book ready to support you in your breakup.

Based on over 100 breakup interviews and 25 experts’ opinions, The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book is a 200-page ebook, a printable workbook and coaching program to help you get over your ex faster:

• If you want support moving on from your ex…
• If you want to feel not quite so alone – by reading 0ver 30 in-depth interviews with women who have survived their breakups…
• If you want to get through the pain faster – with guidance from over 25 experts…
• If you want to avoid the pain of a rebound relationship…
• If you want to make a clean break and start looking forward to the future…
• If you want to be ready for when Mr Right enters your world (and you want to avoid Mr Wrong)…

Then The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book is for you.

Check out the information page – see more details about what is in the book, read the testimonials from the wonderful readers who volunteered to trial the program, and as a big bonus to my regular readers, I have a big early-bird discount for 2 weeks only!

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Last week, I wrote about my breakup with Rat Bastard Brian and then negotiating the settlement of the house we owned together.  I definitely learned things from that breakup negotiation:

• Don’t expect your ex to treat you fairly – they may have a new agenda that you don’t figure highly in.
• Try not to give too much information early on – it is better for you if get them to make the first offer.  Say to yourself: information is power.
• Look into what your rights are, even if you not intending to use a lawyer – get to a community law center or advice center.  You need to get an ‘external reference’ – something that is not just your opinion – to show what you are asking for is fair.
• Plan B is very important – it is hard to do when things look like they are going smoothly, but if I had prepared my house to sell I would have been in a much stronger position to negotiate with Brian when he changed his mind.  The idea is you build up your other options so you are not in a weak position.   An example of this, would be to research rental properties and save for a deposit, even though you are trying to keep your apartment lease.  That way you are not completely in your ex’s power if he makes it difficult for you.
• Don’t trust that just because your ex says they will do something, that they will do it.  Work on your plan B right up to when the settlement is signed and the money is in the bank (or your grandma’s table has been given back to you).
• Understand that you might not get everything you want – fight for what you really want, but in the end sometimes the stress outweighs the gain.  I definitely settled for slightly less than I believed to be right, but I wanted him out of my life as quickly as  possible.  It was worth losing some money just to get rid of him.  He became vindictive, and I knew that if I was too inflexible he would drag everything out until neither of us got anything!

I’ll be looking into negotiation theory, strategy, stories and advice in my next Breakup Bitch Monthly – so make sure you sign up for it!  I have some interesting interviews about sorting out settlements after breakups you’ll want to read.

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