I know how hard it is to go from thinking you are with the person you are happily in love with – to finding out they betrayed you. On my 38th birthday I saw the first signs my partner was cheating. It took me days to find solid proof of the affair, and within another week I had made a decision about the future of the relationship.

It starts with a feeling something was wrong. Then you begin to see signs of their cheating – but you don’t want to believe it. Once you become suspicious though, you see the signs of infidelity clearly and wonder how you didn’t notice before.

What about you – what stage are you at in uncovering the affair? Click on the button that best describes your situation and let’s look what you are facing on my new website dedicated to busting affairs and dealing with the aftermath:

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I want you to listen to me. I’m going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

President Bill Clinton

If you are interested in sad breakup quotes – check out The Breakup Bitch Quote site.

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One of the hard things about the sudden ending of a relationship – especially when it involves a third person with an affair – is learning to accept that it has actually happened!  To accept that your partner, who last week seemed so wonderful, has been lying and cheating behind your back is hard to come to terms with.  In a normal breakup we might have seen the signs that the end of the relationship was coming, but with infidelity, the end of the relationship can come as a shock.

It can also be a shock to discover your darling partner is a cheater and a liar – the relationship was not what you thought it was at all.   After finding out about their cheating, to be able to accept it, many of us rewrite our history.  We find we need to know what happened – in detail.  To others this may seem masochistic but instead it is us trying to find a way to accept our new reality.  Don’t be hard on yourself if you find you have this driving need to know, but also understand that you may never know everything.  Your cheater is an adept liar and will protect himself and his affair – he will think he is protecting you too by hiding details even now.

A friend wrote to me with advice about accepting a breakup – it is worth reading as well.

If you are worried your partner or spouse is lying and cheating on you – then check out The Breakup Bitch’s latest site about Catching Them Cheating. You don’t have to put up with lies anymore.

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If you decide to breakup after finding out your partner has been cheating on you, it is easy to slip into feeling like a failure.  I know those feelings crept into my heart, in between the rage I felt at Brian for cheating on me.  Somehow I managed to blame myself for his idiotic behaviour.  I guess if we blame ourselves we give ourselves some control over the situation – if we take some of the blame, we could have done something to change things…even if this isn’t true.

The anger leaves us for a moment, an hour or a day, and easily we fill that void with feeling like a failure.  Is it possible to control these feelings that creep up on us in the long hours of sleepless nights.  Haven’t we been punished enough by our partner’s behaviour?  Do we need to punish ourselves some more with our feelings of failure at weak moments?

Take a look at my earlier post on How To Get Past Feeling Like A Failure and start to recognize that your feelings of failure are just an interpretation of an event (the affair and the breakup).  Get past these feelings and move on to growth and being the person you really are, the person your cheating ex does not deserve!

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Charlotte over at My Pixie Blog is living what I have been writing about – she is sex on wheels and madly in lust…with men and life!  So wonderful to see such a strong woman turn the corner with her breakup and turn her energy outwards again.  She is just bubbling over with energy.

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Following up on yesterday’s post on crushes – here is one woman’s story of her massive crush after breaking up with her ex.  I am sure we all have breakup stories like this in our histories – some more embarrassing than others!

Sheila jumped as Hank grabbed her into a hug. She was sitting with two girlfriends at the table in a noisy bar on a Friday night, and the last thing she expected was to be pressed into Hank, smelling his lime-scented fragrance. It was the week after she broke up with Alistair and the third time she had bumped into her old friend.  She hadn’t seen Hank for years and suddenly he was everywhere she went.  She asked herself if it was fate that threw them together that week, and she started to fixate on him.  They had been great friends at university and she was sure there had always been chemistry – she could talk to Hank about anything.  He was handsome, stable and had a great sense of humor, and she knew him and trusted him.

She wasn’t sure why they hadn’t got together before.  Probably the timing had been bad – one of them had always been committed to someone else.  And he was sweet – not really her type at all back then, but after Alistair, she didn’t know what her type was any more.  She was still angry and sad about Alistair, but the thought of Hank made her smile and the fantasy was something she could escape into.

‘In my mind I knew it was a crush,’ Sheila said.  ‘But I couldn’t stop my heart.  I tried really hard to keep my feet on the ground, but it felt like destiny had thrown me Hank.  He could be the answer.  I really tried to hold off, but found myself going back to that bar where I saw him last, just in case I saw him.  We texted occasionally and we even went for lunch, and my infatuation grew.  I’m embarrassed to say that I started to think about what we would be like as a couple, what he would be like as a father.

‘I knew I shouldn’t do anything because I was on the rebound, but it was hard!  Then I did see him at a mutual friend’s party about a month later and he was quite drunk, leaving early saying something about a booty-call.’

Reality hit Sheila.  She didn’t really know Hank anymore, and she remembered that he was a huge drinker at University – close to an alcoholic.  He was a nice guy, but one who was not her type then, and not her type now.  She felt quite silly that she had been so obsessed, and relieved she hadn’t acted.  She let her crush go.

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We’ve been talking about sex after a breakup, and I think crushes relate to this topic.  Nothing like a really good crush to divert you from wallowing about your ex.  I’ve certainly had them!

Having a crush is a great fantasy for you to escape into when the going is tough.  You may pick the bartender that smiles at you sweetly, the new guy at work or an old school flame.  It doesn’t seem to matter too much who you pick, as often (repeat after me) the crush is not based on reality – it is based on a fantasy you have going on in your mind.  Hard though to recognize this as it feels so real at the time.

You might have this overwhelming urge to act on your crush (as it feels so real – he has to be ‘the one’ for you to feel like this).  And maybe he is your perfect man, but right now you are not the perfect woman for a relationship.  If your girlfriends encourage you to act, tell them you’d rather keep him as the perfect crush and not turn him into messy-rebound guy.  If you are obsessing about him, you are not ready for a relationship – it will end in a rebound mess!

Take a warning from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love.  Straight after she breaks up with her husband, she moves in with David, her ‘desperate love’. She explained how ‘it was so easy not to think about that loss (her looming divorce) in the midst of such happiness.’  But the romance doesn’t last, the façade crumbles as Gilbert becomes weepy and needy, and David backs off.

The object of your adoration has become repulsed by you…The irony is, you can hardly blame him.  I mean, check yourself out.  You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

It ends in wreckage.  Like Gilbert, you need time to on your own for a while so you can become that fantastic woman who doesn’t need crushes to get her through the day – an equal partner again.  Skip the step where you blunder back into a relationship before you’re ready.  We’ve all probably done it once before – let’s try to not do it this time around.

Instead enjoy the crush, go with the fantasy – nothing like it to help you get through the tough days!

And don’t forget this week is the last chance to enter our mypleasure giveaway!

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Taking care of yourself sensually after your breakup could mean you use accessories like vibrators, lube and dildos to help with your quest – and you could enter our MyPleasure giveaway to get yourself a free one!

I know you don’t get to cuddle a sex toy on the sofa and watch DVDs together, but you can have some amazing solo-sex with one (or more).

I spoke with Claire Cavannah, the co-founder of Babeland, a woman-friendly chain of sex stores and she gave this list of questions you need to think about when making your choice:

• Do you want to use it for clitoral stimulation or to fill you up, or both? There many models available in each style.
• How much power do you need?  ‘The Hitachi Magic Wand has the strength of a belt sander,’ she explained. ‘The Silver Bullet is a variable speed vibe that goes from cell-phone subtle to about ten times that. If a woman uses a lot of pressure when masturbating with her hand, she might like more power.’
• Does the material the toy is made of matter to you? ‘More and more toys are being made with materials that are body-friendly like phthalate-free plastic and silicone. They’re more expensive, but using body-friendly toys can help a woman feel like she’s taking care of herself.’
• What kind of toy has the x-factor for you?  ‘If she walks into a store and a vibe or dildo seems to call to her from across the room, and make her feel like going home and doing it, that could be her dream date!’

Babeland is just one of the women-friendly sex stores across the US and you can see this trend spreading across the world.  This new type of store is stylish with a sense of space, usually being managed by a well-informed woman, ready to advise you.  You could also attend or organize a sex toy party (the new Tupperware) or buy online with a site like mypleasure.com, if you are feeling shy.

Once you get your new toy, remember to replace any batteries from gadgets you’ve borrowed from when your vibrator batteries run out at an inopportune moment!  There is nothing more obvious than a house full of remotes with the batteries missing!

Do you have a favorite toy that you can recommend?  My favorites are the ‘rabbit’ styles of vibrator, that you can see in this link.  Bliss!  Anyone have any models they recommend?

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For me, when going alone, one of the things I miss the most is touch.  I don’t just mean erotic touch (although I miss that!), I mean any physical touch.  When you hug someone your oxytocin levels increase, and with that your feeling of relaxation and connectedness.   I missed that – some weeks I would notice that, except for handshakes and handing over money when shopping, I might not have been touched for days.  It is no wonder some of us search out casual sex.

For those of you with young children, you are lucky to have the little people giving you hugs and climbing all over you (although it doesn’t always feel like luck).  Other ideas you might think about to increase touch in your life:

• We can ask our friends and family for hugs.
• We can play with the children in our lives.
• Schedule a massage if you can afford it.
• If you have a massage school in your city you may be able to get a discount massage there.
• Offer to exchange massages with a friend.

Look for other ways in your life to up your touch quota.  A pet could also be a cuddly companion, although it is also a long-term commitment – you need to be sure that your cat or dog would fit into your life in five or ten years time.  You could always befriend the neighbor’s cat, take a friend’s dog for a walk, or volunteer at your local animal shelter.

What other things do you do to get touch into your life?  It is something that can make us feel so much better in our singleness.  We don’t want to waste away like the honeybee…

Honeybees depend not only on physical contact with the colony, but also require it’s social companionship and support. Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die.
Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

And for another kind of touch – don’t forget our MyPleasure giveaway competition we’re running!

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So you’re newly single and looking for ways to keep healthy and happy.  You could head off to the gym – or you could think about heading off to bed with the new vibrator you might win in my latest giveaway…

Besides burning calories, boosting your metabolism and helping you sleep, having orgasms can help you ward off your depressive feelings:

• The ‘romance hormone’ phenylethylamine (PEA) is a natural form of amphetamine that peaks with orgasm.  Low PEA is associated with depression whereas high levels are associated with excitement.
• You can also replicate that natural high that you get in the honeymoon stage of a relationship by having orgasms.  This comes from the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin, which again peaks with your orgasm, leaving you feel connected and relaxed.  It contributes to the post-orgasm afterglow that we feel.  You can also get this through touch and eating chocolate (as the fats make the stomach signal the brain to release oxytocin).

• When you orgasm, endorphins (which are a bit like natural morphine) are released into your bloodstream which make you feel good and block pain, and again are related to eating chocolate as well.

So having orgasms, eating chocolate and being touched can help you feel better – you can see that you might be drawn toward having sex (especially with a man or vibrator offering chocolates).

That’s an age-old question – which do you prefer more – sex or chocolate?

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