We talked yesterday about when he doesn’t want to commit, after my interview with Beth about Adrien – Her story of dealing with men with commitment phobia

So now it is time to work out what you want:

1.  Take your ‘Adrien’ out of the picture.

2.  Think about what you want in your life and in your relationships

3.  List these things – writing goals makes them much stronger, and you will become more committed to them.

4.  Tell a good friend about your goals.  This will firm them up in your mind even more.

5.  You have every right to expect good things in your life – and so you can only ask your kind-of boyfriend to join you in the type of relationship you really want.

6.  Respect yourself and follow the outcome.  If he doesn’t want what you want, it is time to cut him loose and make yourself free for someone who does want what you want!

You don’t have time to deal with men with commitment phobia!

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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Last week, I ran an interview with Beth about Adrian – men with commitment phobia and trying to breakup with them.

Beth was hooked in by Adrien.  She knew she should have just finished it after France, but like a gambler she had started by winning (he spent time with her), hooking her in.  Then you sometimes you are together and sometimes you are not – you are never quite sure when you are going to ‘win’. He has a phobia about commitment and there is a real danger that this kind of relationship can be addictive:  you don’t quite get enough so you keep trying, hoping that your wonderful personality and fabulousness will fix the situation. It takes your energy and time, and you always want more.

The way to sort this out is to bring it into the open and ask for what you want.  Terrifying as you put your ego on the line.  You may have avoided this kinds of discussion just in case it spoils things.  You may well kind-of break up the kind-of relationship, but at least you are not wasting your time on something that isn’t satisfying, and quite possibly unhealthy for you.  You do not need men with commitment phobia in your life!

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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Beth couldn’t stay away from Adrien – even though she knew he wasn’t really into her, and was in no way making a commitment to her.   He was one of the men that come into our lives with commitment phobia. Beth is a director in a small television production house in her thirties.  She met me during a break at a local café.  She wore a vintage aqua dress and a purple cardigan that was pulled together with a mass of brooches.

‘I don’t have many breakup stories,’ she said. ‘Except for Adrien.  He is a great story! He was commitment-phobic.’

Beth couldn’t get Adrien, the sexy French photographer, out of her system.  They met in the Tokyo apartment block they both lived in, which had been her home for two years and was filled with her friends in Japan.  They had a short but passionate fling before he had to go back to France. She was smitten, he was handsome, attentive and an amazing lover.

She was visiting Europe in the summer so suggested she could visit and he agreed.  He turned up at the airport to collect her…with his stunning Spanish girlfriend, Patricia.  Beth stood there with sunflowers in her hand, a fake smile plastered on her face and her stomach on the floor somewhere near her sexy summer sandals. Not being an overly dramatic person, she got in the car and went with them both to his apartment.  She went to wash her face in the bathroom and saw the extra toothbrush and the mess of lancome beauty products.  She wondered how she got into this situation and how she was going to get out of it.

When Patricia left after dinner, Adrien asked if Beth was alright.  She asked how it managed to slip his mind to tell her about his girlfriend before she came.  He replied that he assumed she would realize ‘that a guy like me would have someone.’  She was there for a week so made the most of it and she still doesn’t know if Patricia was knew they were sleeping together.  Once she got away, she decided that was it, and put it down to being a lucky escape from such a strange situation, chalking it up to experience.  Adrien returned to Japan after summer, moving back into Beth’s apartment building, he reeled her back in.  He was a collector of women, and seemed unwilling to give her up.

‘I should have been straight up and stayed away from him,’ Beth says now. ‘I was relieved to not be with him when he wasn’t around, but it was difficult to stay away from him when he moved back in downstairs.  I was addicted.  I knew he was bad news but I just couldn’t get away from him long enough to do what I needed to do.  Thank God he finally left – he was a parasite!’

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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