Following up on yesterday’s post on crushes – here is one woman’s story of her massive crush after breaking up with her ex.  I am sure we all have breakup stories like this in our histories – some more embarrassing than others!

Sheila jumped as Hank grabbed her into a hug. She was sitting with two girlfriends at the table in a noisy bar on a Friday night, and the last thing she expected was to be pressed into Hank, smelling his lime-scented fragrance. It was the week after she broke up with Alistair and the third time she had bumped into her old friend.  She hadn’t seen Hank for years and suddenly he was everywhere she went.  She asked herself if it was fate that threw them together that week, and she started to fixate on him.  They had been great friends at university and she was sure there had always been chemistry – she could talk to Hank about anything.  He was handsome, stable and had a great sense of humor, and she knew him and trusted him.

She wasn’t sure why they hadn’t got together before.  Probably the timing had been bad – one of them had always been committed to someone else.  And he was sweet – not really her type at all back then, but after Alistair, she didn’t know what her type was any more.  She was still angry and sad about Alistair, but the thought of Hank made her smile and the fantasy was something she could escape into.

‘In my mind I knew it was a crush,’ Sheila said.  ‘But I couldn’t stop my heart.  I tried really hard to keep my feet on the ground, but it felt like destiny had thrown me Hank.  He could be the answer.  I really tried to hold off, but found myself going back to that bar where I saw him last, just in case I saw him.  We texted occasionally and we even went for lunch, and my infatuation grew.  I’m embarrassed to say that I started to think about what we would be like as a couple, what he would be like as a father.

‘I knew I shouldn’t do anything because I was on the rebound, but it was hard!  Then I did see him at a mutual friend’s party about a month later and he was quite drunk, leaving early saying something about a booty-call.’

Sheila's crush tip: Don't act on your crush, don't act on your crush, don't act on your crush!

Reality hit Sheila.  She didn’t really know Hank anymore, and she remembered that he was a huge drinker at University – close to an alcoholic.  He was a nice guy, but one who was not her type then, and not her type now.  She felt quite silly that she had been so obsessed, and relieved she hadn’t acted.  She let her crush go.

For more true breakup stories and extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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We’ve been talking about sex after a breakup, and I think crushes relate to this topic.  Nothing like a really good crush to divert you from wallowing about your ex.  I’ve certainly had them!

Having a crush is a great fantasy for you to escape into when the going is tough.  You may pick the bartender that smiles at you sweetly, the new guy at work or an old school flame.  It doesn’t seem to matter too much who you pick, as often (repeat after me) the crush is not based on reality – it is based on a fantasy you have going on in your mind.  Hard though to recognize this as it feels so real at the time.

You might have this overwhelming urge to act on your crush (as it feels so real – he has to be ‘the one’ for you to feel like this).  And maybe he is your perfect man, but right now you are not the perfect woman for a relationship.  If your girlfriends encourage you to act, tell them you’d rather keep him as the perfect crush and not turn him into messy-rebound guy.  If you are obsessing about him, you are not ready for a relationship – it will end in a rebound mess!

Take a warning from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love.  Straight after she breaks up with her husband, she moves in with David, her ‘desperate love’. She explained how ‘it was so easy not to think about that loss (her looming divorce) in the midst of such happiness.’  But the romance doesn’t last, the façade crumbles as Gilbert becomes weepy and needy, and David backs off.

The object of your adoration has become repulsed by you…The irony is, you can hardly blame him.  I mean, check yourself out.  You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

It ends in wreckage.  Like Gilbert, you need time to on your own for a while so you can become that fantastic woman who doesn’t need crushes to get her through the day – an equal partner again.  Skip the step where you blunder back into a relationship before you’re ready.  We’ve all probably done it once before – let’s try to not do it this time around.

Instead enjoy the crush, go with the fantasy – nothing like it to help you get through the tough days!

And don’t forget this week is the last chance to enter our mypleasure giveaway!

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours (and avoiding mad rebound relationships), check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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Taking care of yourself sensually after your breakup could mean you use accessories like vibrators, lube and dildos to help with your quest – and you could enter our MyPleasure giveaway to get yourself a free one!

I know you don’t get to cuddle a sex toy on the sofa and watch DVDs together, but you can have some amazing solo-sex with one (or more).

I spoke with Claire Cavannah, the co-founder of Babeland, a woman-friendly chain of sex stores and she gave this list of questions you need to think about when making your choice:

• Do you want to use it for clitoral stimulation or to fill you up, or both? There many models available in each style.
• How much power do you need?  ‘The Hitachi Magic Wand has the strength of a belt sander,’ she explained. ‘The Silver Bullet is a variable speed vibe that goes from cell-phone subtle to about ten times that. If a woman uses a lot of pressure when masturbating with her hand, she might like more power.’
• Does the material the toy is made of matter to you? ‘More and more toys are being made with materials that are body-friendly like phthalate-free plastic and silicone. They’re more expensive, but using body-friendly toys can help a woman feel like she’s taking care of herself.’
• What kind of toy has the x-factor for you?  ‘If she walks into a store and a vibe or dildo seems to call to her from across the room, and make her feel like going home and doing it, that could be her dream date!’

Babeland is just one of the women-friendly sex stores across the US and you can see this trend spreading across the world.  This new type of store is stylish with a sense of space, usually being managed by a well-informed woman, ready to advise you.  You could also attend or organize a sex toy party (the new Tupperware) or buy online with a site like mypleasure.com, if you are feeling shy.

Once you get your new toy, remember to replace any batteries from gadgets you’ve borrowed from when your vibrator batteries run out at an inopportune moment!  There is nothing more obvious than a house full of remotes with the batteries missing!

Do you have a favorite toy that you can recommend?  My favorites are the ‘rabbit’ styles of vibrator, that you can see in this link.  Bliss!  Anyone have any models they recommend?

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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For me, when going alone, one of the things I miss the most is touch.  I don’t just mean erotic touch (although I miss that!), I mean any physical touch.  When you hug someone your oxytocin levels increase, and with that your feeling of relaxation and connectedness.   I missed that – some weeks I would notice that, except for handshakes and handing over money when shopping, I might not have been touched for days.  It is no wonder some of us search out casual sex.

For those of you with young children, you are lucky to have the little people giving you hugs and climbing all over you (although it doesn’t always feel like luck).  Other ideas you might think about to increase touch in your life:

• We can ask our friends and family for hugs.
• We can play with the children in our lives.
• Schedule a massage if you can afford it.
• If you have a massage school in your city you may be able to get a discount massage there.
• Offer to exchange massages with a friend.

Look for other ways in your life to up your touch quota.  A pet could also be a cuddly companion, although it is also a long-term commitment – you need to be sure that your cat or dog would fit into your life in five or ten years time.  You could always befriend the neighbor’s cat, take a friend’s dog for a walk, or volunteer at your local animal shelter.

What other things do you do to get touch into your life?  It is something that can make us feel so much better in our singleness.  We don’t want to waste away like the honeybee…

Honeybees depend not only on physical contact with the colony, but also require it’s social companionship and support. Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die.
Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

And for another kind of touch – don’t forget our MyPleasure giveaway competition we’re running!

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, and finding some excellent diversions along the way – check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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So you’re newly single and looking for ways to keep healthy and happy.  You could head off to the gym – or you could think about heading off to bed with the new vibrator you might win in my latest giveaway…

Besides burning calories, boosting your metabolism and helping you sleep, having orgasms can help you ward off your depressive feelings:

• The ‘romance hormone’ phenylethylamine (PEA) is a natural form of amphetamine that peaks with orgasm.  Low PEA is associated with depression whereas high levels are associated with excitement.
• You can also replicate that natural high that you get in the honeymoon stage of a relationship by having orgasms.  This comes from the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin, which again peaks with your orgasm, leaving you feel connected and relaxed.  It contributes to the post-orgasm afterglow that we feel.  You can also get this through touch and eating chocolate (as the fats make the stomach signal the brain to release oxytocin).

• When you orgasm, endorphins (which are a bit like natural morphine) are released into your bloodstream which make you feel good and block pain, and again are related to eating chocolate as well.

So having orgasms, eating chocolate and being touched can help you feel better – you can see that you might be drawn toward having sex (especially with a man or vibrator offering chocolates).

That’s an age-old question – which do you prefer more – sex or chocolate?

For extra extra support getting over that ex of yours – and finding some excellent diversions like sex and chocolate – check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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All day today I die,
I die eternally,
Losing myself in joy.
By one touch you put out time.

Losing yourself in the moment, as Carolyn Kizer’s poem describes, is just one of the benefits of having sex – the list is endless: you get to feel sexy and show off your new lingerie, it’s a treat, it’s exciting, it gives you some relief, relaxes you into sleep, improves your mood and you have a mini-break from your everyday life.  There are many health benefits to having orgasms as well – you might be on your own but you can still reap the rewards. I’ll be listing them all tomorrow!

There are a number of ways to get the benefits of sex when you are newly single.  The first is ‘self-love’, better known as plain old masturbation.  Then there is the casual encounter, whether it be an occasional one-night stand, a short-term fling, or hooking up with historic ex-boyfriends (not the recent kind).  We’ll have a look at these over the next couple of weeks.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, and finding healthy diversions, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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Congratulations to Gemma on winning the gift certificate!  I hope you get many hours of enjoyment!!!

The wonderful people at MyPleasure.com, a leading online retailer of sex toys, have offered a bit of a giveaway – and I am always happy to pass it on.  And I thought it would be a good time to write about sex!

If you are interested in entering the competition, please email me by filling in the form below by 9 July – and you’ll be in the draw for a $25 gift certificate – that you can use on anything you want.  Check out their website, it has some great products and some interesting educational pages as well.

I know you don’t think about sex and breakups in the same sentence, but there is all kinds of ways that women still keep sex in their lives.   And I’ll be bringing you lots of examples over the next few weeks.

This contest is sponsored by MyPleasure, a leading online retailer of sex  toys.

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I’ve decided Sunday is Off Topic Sunday (OTS) – the day for off topic posts and discussion.

I found this clip of the wonderful Mary Roach, who wrote the book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science of Sex, gives a presentation on orgasms and things you didn’t know about them.  I’m reading the book at the moment, very amusing.

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I am in love with Annie Sprinkle’s website (not appropriate to open at work!).  What a remarkable woman: she has changed her persona from porn star to a sexologist/artist with a Ph.D in human sexuality.  Her site is full of fun snippets about what sex can mean to you, and I think the 101 uses for sex is particularly helpful – there are so many uses for sex that it is no wonder you are missing it!  Look at how handy it is for all types of situations.  I am probably not helping much if you are going through a celibate period, but perhaps this site will be a nice diversion for you.

She has an autobiography which looks like an interesting read, I’m going to have to check out one of her many books. I’ll put up a review once I get around to reading one of them.

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So you’re a couple of months along after your breakup and you’re horny, looking for cuddles, and just want some intimate company.  Maybe you aren’t really thinking about it, but *bang* you end up in bed with some random guy by accident.  One-night stands happen, nothing to be worried about.  Of course you know to be safe, for both pregnancy and disease reasons.  Better stash a couple of condoms in your handbag and beside your bed.

If you are looking for a good time – look for physical symmetry in your partner. Research has shown that women with the most symmetrical partners, experience more orgasms during sex than with less symmetrical guys.  So there you go, if you’re choosing between a lopsided guy and the guy who is nicely balanced for your one-night stand, go for the balanced one!

If you are interested in this kind of research, The Female Brain is great.  Check it out.

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