Charlotte over at My Pixie Blog is living what I have been writing about – she is sex on wheels and madly in lust…with men and life!  So wonderful to see such a strong woman turn the corner with her breakup and turn her energy outwards again.  She is just bubbling over with energy.

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Following up on yesterday’s post on crushes – here is one woman’s story of her massive crush after breaking up with her ex.  I am sure we all have breakup stories like this in our histories – some more embarrassing than others!

Sheila jumped as Hank grabbed her into a hug. She was sitting with two girlfriends at the table in a noisy bar on a Friday night, and the last thing she expected was to be pressed into Hank, smelling his lime-scented fragrance. It was the week after she broke up with Alistair and the third time she had bumped into her old friend.  She hadn’t seen Hank for years and suddenly he was everywhere she went.  She asked herself if it was fate that threw them together that week, and she started to fixate on him.  They had been great friends at university and she was sure there had always been chemistry – she could talk to Hank about anything.  He was handsome, stable and had a great sense of humor, and she knew him and trusted him.

She wasn’t sure why they hadn’t got together before.  Probably the timing had been bad – one of them had always been committed to someone else.  And he was sweet – not really her type at all back then, but after Alistair, she didn’t know what her type was any more.  She was still angry and sad about Alistair, but the thought of Hank made her smile and the fantasy was something she could escape into.

‘In my mind I knew it was a crush,’ Sheila said.  ‘But I couldn’t stop my heart.  I tried really hard to keep my feet on the ground, but it felt like destiny had thrown me Hank.  He could be the answer.  I really tried to hold off, but found myself going back to that bar where I saw him last, just in case I saw him.  We texted occasionally and we even went for lunch, and my infatuation grew.  I’m embarrassed to say that I started to think about what we would be like as a couple, what he would be like as a father.

‘I knew I shouldn’t do anything because I was on the rebound, but it was hard!  Then I did see him at a mutual friend’s party about a month later and he was quite drunk, leaving early saying something about a booty-call.’

Sheila's crush tip: Don't act on your crush, don't act on your crush, don't act on your crush!

Reality hit Sheila.  She didn’t really know Hank anymore, and she remembered that he was a huge drinker at University – close to an alcoholic.  He was a nice guy, but one who was not her type then, and not her type now.  She felt quite silly that she had been so obsessed, and relieved she hadn’t acted.  She let her crush go.

For more true breakup stories and extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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We’ve been talking about sex after a breakup, and I think crushes relate to this topic.  Nothing like a really good crush to divert you from wallowing about your ex.  I’ve certainly had them!

Having a crush is a great fantasy for you to escape into when the going is tough.  You may pick the bartender that smiles at you sweetly, the new guy at work or an old school flame.  It doesn’t seem to matter too much who you pick, as often (repeat after me) the crush is not based on reality – it is based on a fantasy you have going on in your mind.  Hard though to recognize this as it feels so real at the time.

You might have this overwhelming urge to act on your crush (as it feels so real – he has to be ‘the one’ for you to feel like this).  And maybe he is your perfect man, but right now you are not the perfect woman for a relationship.  If your girlfriends encourage you to act, tell them you’d rather keep him as the perfect crush and not turn him into messy-rebound guy.  If you are obsessing about him, you are not ready for a relationship – it will end in a rebound mess!

Take a warning from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love.  Straight after she breaks up with her husband, she moves in with David, her ‘desperate love’. She explained how ‘it was so easy not to think about that loss (her looming divorce) in the midst of such happiness.’  But the romance doesn’t last, the façade crumbles as Gilbert becomes weepy and needy, and David backs off.

The object of your adoration has become repulsed by you…The irony is, you can hardly blame him.  I mean, check yourself out.  You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

It ends in wreckage.  Like Gilbert, you need time to on your own for a while so you can become that fantastic woman who doesn’t need crushes to get her through the day – an equal partner again.  Skip the step where you blunder back into a relationship before you’re ready.  We’ve all probably done it once before – let’s try to not do it this time around.

Instead enjoy the crush, go with the fantasy – nothing like it to help you get through the tough days!

And don’t forget this week is the last chance to enter our mypleasure giveaway!

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours (and avoiding mad rebound relationships), check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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