…and then suddenly take 1 step back?

This week was interesting as I have been feeling really good, but then some small things cropped up in my life (other people’s bad news and talking about my past bad luck) that brings back some of the black feelings that I used to have.  It is amazing how real and sudden those sad depressive feelings can rise up.

To read an email from a woman trying to deal with recurrent miscarriage was incredibly sad for me, and put me in a spin, like I was back in her shoes for a morning.  How can we feel for others but then not actually have to ‘feel’ what they are going through?  I guess it is part of being a sympathetic, feeling person.

Last week, I heard about a friend’s colleague who is going through a massive breakup (kids involved) as Mr Selfish is off having an affair – and she knew nothing about it.  Hearing news like this just makes my heart sink.  What an awful thing to have to go through – not nice and not fair.  And although I can’t know what she is feeling, I have an understanding of what she is going through.

The grief from broken relationships and other losses doesn’t really disappear, it just gets overwhelmed with other positive things as life continues on.  But from what I felt this week, I can see that the grief is still there, just waiting to be drilled into.

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So what to do when you are depressed and sad and want to get out of feeling bad?  After my horrific last year there were some tricks I had to get myself through:

• I let myself be miserable at first.  I shut the door, hid away from people and had a time when I felt sorry for myself.  I camped out in bed and cried.
• I had some diversions ready for when I was tired of crying – a good book, movies downloaded – things that I could access that would take my mind off things.
• I didn’t feel like it, but would get involved in a project, something that I eventually enjoyed doing and that took me into the future and got my mind active – writing this blog and my book were really helpful.  So was working out in the garden trying to create something. In other times in my life I’ve thrown myself into my work.
• Walking for me is very healing.  When I wanted to do more than weep in bed, I went for a walk with my iPod on.  It didn’t matter if I was in the city walking to the book store or out in nature.  It is a great way to clear my head.  Getting moving in any way is helpful though – yoga, running, swimming – whatever suits you.
• I was careful about who I spent time with – the last thing you need is a ‘told you so’ type person in your life.  I spent time with supportive friends and had a ‘lite’ version of the dramas in my life that I told people that I didn’t want to involve too much.
• I made lists when I needed to start doing things again – lists of small activities that add up to the  big activities I needed to finish.  ‘Clean the house’ was broken down into small actions like ‘vacuum upstairs,’ ‘make bed’ and so on.
• I asked for help when I needed it.
• I looked for hope where ever I could get it – it all seems silly when you are feeling better, but a good astrology reading for that week could brighten the day!  Other people’s success stories were also helpful – although not right at the beginning, later when I started to look beyond my bed!

That’s a short list of things I did.  I hope it is helpful to you – do take time to grieve and be kind to yourself.  It is a time of big upheaval so take care and look after yourself, like you would look after a good friend.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, and finding healthy diversions, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill.  3 months until we breakup...

I have trouble fighting depressive feelings – but I still don’t connect them with the problems I had with T.

3/24  It could have been the perfect weekend.  I did art, I went to a cool movie, got lots of sleep, saw friends for a picnic, went to a fleamarket and bought good stuff, but for some reason  I was bummed out this afternoon.  I was really angry and on the verge of depression.  That’s a horrible cliff to be on the edge of looking over.  Looking up at the cherry blossoms, riding along the river – I’ve done that so many times before but this time it was different.  I felt bad.  Nothing was like usual.

Why did it happen?  Why such a shit feeling this weekend?  No feeling of connection with anyone yesterday.  I enjoyed seeing everyone, but no sense of connection.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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This is another cute video from Tales of Mere Existence on You Tube.  This time he has depression – the video is about  all the advice he received when he told people.  It is amusing all the different tips he got from people about how to get over depression.

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