I have had a few emails this week from a lovely young woman who is dealing with an ex who just won’t leave her alone.  They broke up a while ago and she has already had to change her cellphone number as he wouldn’t stop calling her.  Now he is calling her at work, harassing her to get back together with him.

What can you do if your ex won’t leave you alone?

Firstly make sure you’re not sending mixed messages – the old song goes ‘you’ve got to be cruel to be kind’ and in this situation it is true.  You might feel like a heartless bitch when you tell him you are really not into him, and there is no way you are getting back together.  It might make you feel uncomfortable to be so blunt, but in the long run you will save yourself a lot of hassle later on.  If you’re not completely honest, he might believe that he still has a chance with you.

Dragging things out can have the same result as well – if you spend a lot of time together, your ex may believe that there is hope for you as a couple.  You can be friends, but usually you need some time apart to change from lovers to friends.  The distance helps you to break your couple habits.

If you’ve been blunt and he still isn’t getting the message, and it is starting to annoy you, you could ask one of his friends to intervene.  Your not asking them to take your side, you are asking them to look after your ex, help him see that he is wasting his time on you.

Finally sometimes you just have to ignore him.  If talking is not working – in fact any communication seems to encourage him – it’s time to stop taking his calls.  You are not that special person in his life any more who is there to make his problems better, he needs to find other support to get him through this tough time.

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‘If a book could be a best friend, this could be it.’

Tina, writer

I am so excited to finally have The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book ready to support you in your breakup.

Based on over 100 breakup interviews and 25 experts’ opinions, The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book is a 200-page ebook, a printable workbook and coaching program to help you get over your ex faster:

• If you want support moving on from your ex…
• If you want to feel not quite so alone – by reading 0ver 30 in-depth interviews with women who have survived their breakups…
• If you want to get through the pain faster – with guidance from over 25 experts…
• If you want to avoid the pain of a rebound relationship…
• If you want to make a clean break and start looking forward to the future…
• If you want to be ready for when Mr Right enters your world (and you want to avoid Mr Wrong)…

Then The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book is for you.

Check out the information page – see more details about what is in the book, read the testimonials from the wonderful readers who volunteered to trial the program, and as a big bonus to my regular readers, I have a big early-bird discount for 2 weeks only!

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Do the things you’ve always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back; don’t think, just do.

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.

You Could Be Happy, Snow Patrol

I love this song as the lyrics ‘take a glorious bite out of the whole world’ is exactly how I feel when I finally feel like I am finding my feet after a breakup – life is full of possibilities and potential again.  It’s like waking up after a deep sleep, you can look at the world through new eyes.

You might be ready to take that bite, but are still carrying around the baggage of your ex-relationship.  If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

If you are interested in other breakup quotes to help you get over someone, check out the Breakup Bitch quote site.

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Many of us turn to our friends and family to talk through our problems after we breakup (or in fact have any major issue in our lives).  We go over our sadness, what he did, what we did, what we should have done, what he shouldn’t have done.  We rehash it…again and again.

But this stage of breaking up isn’t something that will help you get over your ex.  I’ve been reading an interesting little book called 59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot , written by Professor Richard Wiseman.  He looks at the scientific studies backing common self-help exercises to see if they really work.  And talking through your problems after breaking up helps less than you may think.

Most of us believe that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’  But a Belgium study looked at the affect of sharing a traumatic experience with someone else – and it showed that it made no difference in helping them cope.  Several studies though have shown that writing down (and you can just spend a few minutes a day doing this) your deepest thoughts and feelings about your problem can help improve your psychological and physical well-being.

…including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness.

Richard Wiseman, 59 Seconds

So why does talking about it not work, while writing does help?  Just talking about your problems is somewhat chaotic and can lead to more confusion but researchers believe that writing gives you the chance to structure your thoughts, you ‘create a storyline’ and this helps you to make sense of what happened to you.  From there, you can work towards a solution.

I definitely found that when I was on the rocky road of ending my marriage, my diary helped.  It gave me a sense of control – whatever the mayhem around me, I was able to keep writing in my diary and this helped me to ’see’ what was going on.  It gave me perspective in the muddle of devastation.  The other thing it did was help me to see what was bothering me.  Maybe I moaned to my friends about my relationship problems, but it wasn’t until I saw the same issues coming up again and again in my diary was I motivated to do anything about it.

It was helpful to write in the aftermath of my breakup.  As I channeled my complaints and grief onto the pages, my head cleared and I could think about other things for some of the time.  I could rehash and rewrite my past, and I could see that logically I had made the right decision.  It’s hard to think about going back when you have pages and pages of writing about how unhappy you were in the relationship – no matter what you tried.

So try it out, grab a notebook – something sturdy and small you can carry around with you – and get writing.  Put some structure to your grief, and find the way forward.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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1. When he won’t leave you alone I have had a few emails this week from...

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…and then suddenly take 1 step back?

This week was interesting as I have been feeling really good, but then some small things cropped up in my life (other people’s bad news and talking about my past bad luck) that brings back some of the black feelings that I used to have.  It is amazing how real and sudden those sad depressive feelings can rise up.

To read an email from a woman trying to deal with recurrent miscarriage was incredibly sad for me, and put me in a spin, like I was back in her shoes for a morning.  How can we feel for others but then not actually have to ‘feel’ what they are going through?  I guess it is part of being a sympathetic, feeling person.

Last week, I heard about a friend’s colleague who is going through a massive breakup (kids involved) as Mr Selfish is off having an affair – and she knew nothing about it.  Hearing news like this just makes my heart sink.  What an awful thing to have to go through – not nice and not fair.  And although I can’t know what she is feeling, I have an understanding of what she is going through.

The grief from broken relationships and other losses doesn’t really disappear, it just gets overwhelmed with other positive things as life continues on.  But from what I felt this week, I can see that the grief is still there, just waiting to be drilled into.

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If you decide to breakup after finding out your partner has been cheating on you, it is easy to slip into feeling like a failure.  I know those feelings crept into my heart, in between the rage I felt at Brian for cheating on me.  Somehow I managed to blame myself for his idiotic behaviour.  I guess if we blame ourselves we give ourselves some control over the situation – if we take some of the blame, we could have done something to change things…even if this isn’t true.

The anger leaves us for a moment, an hour or a day, and easily we fill that void with feeling like a failure.  Is it possible to control these feelings that creep up on us in the long hours of sleepless nights.  Haven’t we been punished enough by our partner’s behaviour?  Do we need to punish ourselves some more with our feelings of failure at weak moments?

Take a look at my earlier post on How To Get Past Feeling Like A Failure and start to recognize that your feelings of failure are just an interpretation of an event (the affair and the breakup).  Get past these feelings and move on to growth and being the person you really are, the person your cheating ex does not deserve!

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You know what is the worst thing about being rejected?  The lack of control.  If I could only control the where and how of being dumped, it wouldn’t seem as bad.

Like Rob, in the book High Fidelity, wishing for control in the chaos of your breakup is normal. The first stage of breaking up is often shock!  He broke up with me, you think.  Having control taken away from you is a difficult thing to deal with in any situation, but coupled with a broken heart and a bruised ego, it is even more trying.

So how can you get some control back?  First let’s look at that final breakup conversation – which is always a shock even if you saw it coming:

You were stunned, unable to think and definitely not able to ask the questions about the reasons for the breakup that you needed answering.

He felt sad but, as he has thought about it for a while, he got the resolution he needed.

You didn’t.

Getting some control: Finding closure after your breakup

Work out what you need for resolution to give you back some control. Here are some examples of gaining control after a breakup:

• I have a friend Trish, who always has one last farewell weekend after the breakup. Not to fight, but to finish in a way she wants to remember.  Everything has already been said so instead she  has this great, if sad, weekend with her ex where she gets in as much loving as she can, (knowing that she won’t be getting any for a while).  This isn’t for everyone but it works for Trish.  Her ending is a romantic tragedy, two lovers who no longer could be together.   Delusional?  Perhaps, but it also marks the beginning of her grieving process.

• One woman I met cut her ex off immediately – after he broke up with her by text.  She was stunned he had treated her so badly and so decided that he wasn’t worth any more of her energy, so she started the no contact rule immediately.

• Another did a similar thing when her ex broke up by email: ‘I didn’t even send a reply – that was my control.  How dare he not see me to breakup?’

• I talked to yet another woman, Mona the day after her boyfriend broke up with her by text – the week her father had gone in for cancer surgery.  She wrote him an extremely angry email.

Think about what is going to help you get started with the End after your breakup.

Try this exercise: Getting some control back – end on your terms

1. Think about what you need for resolution.  Write down your objectives to reach this.  You might need some questions answered.  Like Trish, it might be about having one last romantic farewell.  You might want to have the chance to get angry at him, or decide that he isn’t worth any further contact.
2. Work out how you can achieve your objective. If it is about answering questions, write down them down.   Plan this well, as this is your chance to get these issues cleared up
3. Ask for a time to meet him if that’s what you need – and make a start and end time, so there is dignity in the planned ending.
4. Choose the location that suits you.  If you prefer to have a logical calm discussion then a public place like a café works, but if you are sure that the waterworks will start either have it at yours or his.  If you would like to be the one with the choice to leave, choose his or a friend’s place.
5. Get angry or sad if you need to, but keep your objectives in mind so you can try to get what you need from him.  Focus on getting some of your power back and to get some answers.
6. Remember that you may not get everything you need from this meeting (or email or weekend) – that’s the nature of a breakup.  You need to let it go.  Vent to your girlfriends, write a letter and then toss it, or do something physical with your frustration.

It’s time to promise yourself that was the last emotionally engaging conversation you are going to have with your ex.  It is time to let him go.  From now you need to follow the no contact rule. If you need extra help, download my eBook: 3 Simple Steps to getting over a breakup faster.

You are going to crave talking to him, but he is not that person in your life anymore.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Rachel – who tells her true breakup story about getting resolution and closure.

Sign up now for my eBook, newsletter and lots of other free stuff to keep you sane in this crazy breakup time!

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