Falling in love, and the new stages of love can mean that you back away from your friends.  You don’t do it on purpose, but that consuming time early in a relationship can result in you not having as much time with your friends.  They usually understand and are probably happy to see you so happy – but it can make things harder when you are trying to get over (and stay away from) your ex, by following the no-contact rule.

A recent scientific study has shown that when you go into a relationship, it will cost you two close friends – you will go from having five very close friends, to having four, and that includes your new romantic partner.  That means you will lose two close friends.

The closest friends, or inner circle, are defined as those someone will see at least once a week and who will offer emotional support when needed.

You have already moved two of your closer friends into a less intimate position, and then you breakup and you lose your partner/boyfriend/husband so you lose another.  Your usual situation is to have five very close friends who you see often and rely on for support.  But after breaking up, you are down to three.  You not only have to get used to not having the support (and all the time) your ex gave you, you also have to start building bridges with friends you have seen less of.

This might feel like a  lot of work for someone who is sad and mourning the loss of their relationship.  It might seem easier just to get back in contact with your ex.  It is hard to lose your best friend as well as your lover.  You think that maybe you can stay close friends but not be romantically involved.  Surely that will make the ending of your relationship easier to handle.

In theory this sounds great – not lovers but just friends.  And eventually I hope you will be able to become platonic friends with your ex – but not right now.  Right now you are experiencing withdrawal from your relationship:

(Breaking up) actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.  That brain region desperately, hungrily seeks the loved one.  Withdrawal – as if weaning from a drug – takes over.
Louann Brizindine, Neuropsychiatrist

If you were an alcoholic giving up vodka, I wouldn’t recommend you just drink after 7pm, I would recommend you give up altogether.  If you were trying to give up smoking, I wouldn’t recommend smoking just at lunchtimes.  If you are addicted to something, you need to go cold turkey while you get over that addiction.  Yes, maybe later you can have a social cigarette with friends.  And maybe later you can be friends with your ex.  But right now, you need to find out what it means to be single again, and that includes building up your close circle of friends again.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

And if you are feeling like you’ve given up on men after your breakup, check these guys out singing ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga, the perfect song for this post. They are ‘On The Rocks’ an acappella group from University of Oregon.

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I haven’t looked at the no-contact rule for quite a while – but I just saw this article posted on Love’s A Game, and had to share.  Do you have problems with checking up on your ex on Facebook?  I’ve written about no contact on Facebook before – block them, unfriend them, do whatever you need to do to get them off your newsfeed.  Otherwise you’ll end up with the same breakup experience as Laurie – no one needs to see photos of their ex leaning all over some hottie soon after their breakup. 

Love’s A Game goes one step further and shows you how to block your ex, and also be a computer geek and block yourself from being able to look at Facebook entirely – for the real addicts out there!

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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Thanks to Charlotte for writing this, it is good timing as we look at the no contact rule.  She has a wonderful blog about her breakup survival at mypixieblog.com. Check out more of her writing!

The “No Contact” rule is an especially difficult one for me to follow and I‘m ashamed to admit that I have cheated a few times since we broke up back in October. Just last week Jackson called to see if I could possibly help him with a writing assignment. I used to write all of his copy for his photography business and every now and then an assignment does come in, but it‘s been months. It’s very possible for us to discuss the details of these projects via phone or email, but he offered to take me out for a nice dinner, and since we hadn’t seen or spoken with each other in weeks, I relented.

The first half of the evening was pleasant and we discussed the usual topics: work, family, friends. We laughed and reminisced about various vacations we had been on and how long it’s been since we kicked back and enjoyed some time away from the office. But the evening eventually took a turn and we found ourselves arguing about the same things all over again. When was I going to grow up? When would he loosen up a bit? Why couldn’t I save money? Why did he care so much about material possessions?

These arguments escalate a lot faster now that we’re no longer a couple because we both realize there’s no way we can change each other. Am I grooming him for his next girlfriend? Though the thought sickens me, I really have to wonder. It’s certainly not for my own benefit that I repeat the same things over and I always end up having an out-of-body experience. Who is this person, and why does she sound so hostile?

I still think of him as my best friend and I’m upset that he’s made this breakup so bearable. I wish that he had cheated on me with my best friend or that I’d found him stealing money. But in all those years, he’s never said a single negative word about me and he still thinks the world of me. We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. If only it hadn’t taken me six years to figure it all out…

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of Sarah’s new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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So you’ve done it. Or he’s done it. Someone’s done it and you’re on your own. Not that it’s sunk in yet that you are single, on your own, footloose, fancy-free, unattached, unencumbered, free to do as you wish. No matter how you name it, it doesn’t feel real. You’re sitting on your bed staring at the wall, with sad bad love songs running through your head.

You are sure you should be doing something, but you can’t quite work out what. You know there are feelings simmering away inside you, but none are reaching beyond the shock you feel. Is it possible that you’ve forgotten how to feel? Your mind is stuck on a loop trying to find ways to fix the problem that is unfixable.

Why do you need to go no contact?

Like withdrawal from a drug, a breakup is withdrawal from a person:

(Breaking up) actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women. That brain region desperately, hungrily seeks the loved one. Withdrawal – as if weaning from a drug – takes over.

Louann Brizindine, Neuropsychiatrist (from her amazing book The Female Brain)

You will crave your ‘drug’ – your ex. It is normal to think obsessively about your ex as your brain searches to get its ‘fix’ of the love hormones. So you need a plan to keep you on track with your breakup.

You need to get through this one day at a time – so I’m going to take you through it step by step.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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You want to scream at him.

Going No Contact is a tough thing to do, so I am putting together a series of posts to help you through this time.  This will keep you motivated to keep with your goal of staying away from your ex – when what you really want to do is scream at him, to talk to him, to throw things at him, to ask him more questions, to find out ‘why.’  Keeping up no contact is important – you can refind yourself and get on with your life.

The first story in this series needs to be my own.  The ending of my last relationship was swift.  I met Brian through an online dating site and I lost him to online dating.  We had been together for two years, had bought a house and were planning to have children.  He was the most intense guy I had ever been with – sometimes he was a whirlwind of excitement and at other times he was just hard work.  But he was intelligent, interesting and worked hard.  When he was ‘up’, we had a good time together.

On my 38th birthday I had my first suspicion he was cheating and five days later I found proof he was trolling internet dating sites for women – following this up with dates and dirty texts.  I screamed at him, took time out and within a week decided that as he was still lying, we had to breakup.  It was hard to go from thinking that everything was great in our relationship to being single so quickly.  It was hard to get my head around the change.

I did my best to go No Contact with him – we had property and money to sort out so we still had to communicate.  I tried to keep it business-like and do it by email but it was hard.  I slipped up – I was not perfect.  But I kept at it as I knew I had no choice.  I did not want to be with him anymore, and going No Contact was the easiest way to get him out of my system.

It worked.  And it can work for you too.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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This is why you need to follow the no contact rule and get your ex off your facebook.  Unfriend him now!!!  You do not need to see this kind of stuff on your newsfeed.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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Dear Fabulous New Single You,

Yes, the No Contact Rule is important.  BUT there are other steps you can add to your breakup recovery to get through it faster.

I have spent the last year interviewing women about their breakups and seen what works. 
And what doesn’t work.  This eBook gives you 3 steps you can try today
to help you get over your ex – and help you stick to the no contact
rule.

Right now you might be feeling:

• You are stuck in your breakup
• You think about your ex too often
• You may never get over him

And what you want is:

• To move on faster
• Get over him for once and for all
• To do more than the no-contact rule

If you want to turn into a free woman and start your new beginning, your first action is to download my FREE 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster eBook.

Take strides towards getting over your ex today!

3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster gives you:

• Exercises you can do today to help you let go of your ex
• New habits to start you on your new beginning
• A strategy to deal with friends and family (who might not be helping)

You get told ‘accept your breakup’ or ‘don’t be hard on yourself’– what does this mean?  How are you meant to do it?  In 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster, I’ll give you some easy things you can start doing today.

I have been interviewing women who survived breakups for the past year. All of these women look back on their breakups as a good thing.  They are all over their ex and see the breakup as a time of personal growth.  And new beginnings.

Start your new beginning today!

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Don't call that man!

The no contact rule is an important part of getting over a breakup.  After you breakup – whether you do the dumping or he did – it is important to follow the no contact rule when dealing with your ex.  I like to call this your Ex-Purge. Even if you were the one doing the breaking up, you are probably going to miss him and miss being in a relationship.

Does the no contact rule work?  Following it will achieve three things:

1. No contact will help you to be able to move on faster.
2. No contact will free yourself of him in your home and your habits
3. Going through the no contact list (I will give you later) will help you to really understand that you are not with him any more

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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My first Facebook Off-Topic-Sunday post.  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – never let this happen to you!

Or you could even be this person…

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A reader sent in this email about the no contact rule:

My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, after we had been together for 17 months, and I’ve been trying hard to follow the no contact rule.  It’s been hard, but I gave back his stuff, we worked out the money we owed each other and then I really have been trying to not call him.  The problem is last week he started to send me texts and last night he called to see how I was doing.  Does he want to get back together with me?  Should I start calling him too?  Why is he calling me?

Gina

Gina, it is not surprising that you are confused – he’s acting like he wants you back.  You are going to have to be extra-strong as you are receiving mixed messages and this is can be a difficult time to stay strong.  First steps:

1.  Stop answering his calls

2.  Don’t reply to his texts.

3.  Send him a non-emotional email asking him to please stop calling you as it is upsetting you.

When I get your texts and phone calls, I feel upset and confused.  Please stop calling me.  I hope           one day we can be friends, but right now it is too hard for me.)

There are two reasons for his phone calls:

1.  He is lonely and misses you. You were together for almost a year and a half, that’s a long time.  Of course he misses you.  You were a big part of his life.  But missing you and wanting you back are two completely different things.

2.  You are acting cool and unobtainable and so you are instantly attractive.  I don’t know why – there will no doubt be some psychological or evolutionary reason – but people often want what they can’t have.  He is checking that he still has some power over you – DO NOT be sucked in to this! The likelihood is he will not continue to behave like this if you start calling him back.  He definitely would not be doing this if you were acting all sad and clingy like he expected you to – instead that would have him running for the hills!

You wouldn’t have been with him for all that time if you didn’t love him.  So going without contact is really hard.  It can be even harder if he keeps reeling you back in.  This is a dangerous situation because it is easy to excuse taking his call as opposed to actually making the call yourself.  Remind yourself that it is going to make it harder on you, but if you give in, don’t beat yourself up.  Pick yourself up and tell yourself next time you won’t answer.

But right now – write that email and start looking forward to your new life.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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