Ever thought about revenge after breaking up?  Did your ex do something so bad that you want to kick his arse?  Check out this article about two women finding out that they had been seeing the same guy at the same time.

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I had a wonderful email from M last week – that we all could relate to.  She is 16 and going through her first big breakup with dignity and courage.  I am sure we all remember our first love, and how hard it was to get over them – this story is a nice reminder to us about that stage in our lives.

I was dumped last year by my ex after dating him for 5 years and surprisingly he’s now dating my best friend.  My ‘best friend’ told me that I don’t deserve to be with my ex. Yeah, it hurts and I thought about suicide after I found out  he was dating my ‘best friend’.  A month after we broke up, my friend (that is dating my ex) invited me to a party so I decided to go with my girlfriends, even though I knew he might be coming. The situation became even worse after my ex kissed and hugged ‘my best friend’ tightly.

After this incident I never met him or her anymore.  I decided to go away and find something to get my life back.  I had ruined my life after I decided to cancel my scholarship to stay close to my ex because I thought that he would love me more but I was 100% wrong.

I moved to a new house and found a new friend.  She taught me a lot about sacrifice, love and helped  me with this problem.  I just understood when she said “please move on”  and turned my life around 360 degrees.  Even though I am still 16, I can still feel the pain especially as it was my first love and yeah, I never thought this would happen in my life.

So now, I shut down everything and have started a new chapter.  I am happy and believe that I deserve much better.  A lot of girls out there who have faced the same situation as me inspired me a lot.  I believe that i can be successful too without him!

Do you remember your first love?  How did you get over him?

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I thought things couldn’t get much worse than the day I found out my ex, Rat Bastard Brian was cheating on me. He wasn’t just cheating on me, he was sleazing his way around internet dating sites, picking up random women.  It was disgusting and made me feel sick.

But I was wrong about things not getting worse.  They did get worse, a lot worse.  What I had started realizing before I found out that he was cheating on me, was that he had narcissistic traits – somehow I had ended up with someone who wasn’t who they had first seemed.  And once I broke up with him, these traits came out in force.  Nothing was his fault – he was a victim of his nature, of me, of the world.  And then came my attempt at settling our finances, it did not go well.

We owned a house together that I had worked extremely hard, on my own, to find. It was in a great central location with friendly neighbors and perfect for my commute to work. I wanted to sell my rented-out house (a bigger home but in a further out location) and buy him out of our joint-owned house.  And it seemed to start well, Brian thought that my house could be a good investment for him so we could almost do a swap.  I was open to this, so didn’t put my house on the market.  I stayed polite with him as I could see it was in my best interest to settle this amicably.

I think he had a master-plan to f*ck me over and he never intended to buy me out of my house – he stalled and delayed and used the settlement process to stay in contact with me.  The day before a well-deserved holiday, he emailed me and said he wanted to settle now (I had been trying to get him to settle for 3 months), and that he didn’t want to buy my house.  We needed to sort everything out quickly.

So instead of a nice relaxing long weekend, I stressed (again) about him and the settlement.  I had worked so hard to find the central house, I loved it and I wanted to keep it.  I quickly realized I was going to have to give that dream up.  As Brian had said he was going to buy my house, I hadn’t readied it to sell or put it on the market.  It might take months before I was in a position to buy Brian out of our joint house – he wanted to settle now, and I wanted him out of my life.  At the end of the weekend, I emailed him and said that I agreed to settling quickly but that I was in no position to buy him out, so we’d have to sell up.

And of course, like a toddler coveting their sibling’s toys, Brian quickly let me know that in that case, he would take the central house.  He wasn’t going to live in it, just rent it out.  My house he had initially said he would buy was a much better investment property.  But it wasn’t about what was the best choice, it was about not letting me have what I wanted.

I had been played the whole time – he had maneuvered things so I had to stay in contact with him (politely) for three extra months and then put me in a position where I had to give up the house I had worked hard to find.  I expect he was feeling pretty smug in that time after the breakup.

It made me so angry that someone that had treated me so badly by cheating on me, continued to treat me badly after our breakup – looking back, I was naive to have any other expectations.  It was my first big lesson – don’t expect your ex to treat you in a fair way.  They are no longer your partner or on your side, and will have their own agenda.

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I just found out a friend of mine is breaking up with her adorable boyfriend.  They moved in together about three months ago and everything was going so well.  Until something got in their romance’s way…it’s made me think of the tragic breakup.

Not all breakups are arguments and recriminations – sometimes our timing is out, or our situations don’t match, and this creates a tragic breakup.  You still love each other, and want to be together but it is not possible.  No one’s fault, it just isn’t meant to be.

For my friend, her boyfriend is from another country and after a romantic trip to the homeland to introduce her to friends and family, he realized that he belonged there.  He loves her, but can’t see living in our country permanently, speaking a different language, eating different food and struggling with a different system of doing things for his whole life.  It is understandable – having lived in an extremely different culture before, I relate to his situation.  The only way I could do it was to give it a time limit, to know that I would move back into an easier culture (for me) within 5 years.  Knowing that when I had children, it would be near my family.

But for my friend, it just wasn’t possible.  And she can’t leave here to be with him in his country.  She has health issues and wants to stay here close to her support and her family.  And she has always been clear about that.

So it is a tragic breakup – no blame, no fault, just sad.  I’ve never gone through a tragic breakup, so I don’t know if it is harder to get over.  Would I start to think of ‘what ifs’ afterward?  Would it be harder to let him go?  Would I find ‘no contact’ too hard to do?  How would I get through with no anger?

I hope my friend will be OK.  She is distraught and I feel for her as it’s just the beginning of the stages of breaking up for her, and that first month is so hard.  She is strong, I know she will cope, but it is tragic that she has to go through this.

Are you in the middle of a tragic breakup and need some extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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I met Rick at his house in the country sitting on the porch with a view over fields to the Pacific Ocean. His wife sits with us, letting out a occasional hoot of laughter as he tells his story.  Rick leaned forward in his chair, his curly hair a halo in the sun and his Clint Eastood jaw jutted in frustration as he started his story.  He met Christa at a party at his house.  He became intrigued, she was witty and her confidence attracted him. He didn’t realize that she was drunk, and was one of those people more interesting when drinking than not.   They had a good mutual friend so by the end of the night Rick arranged for the three of them to catch up later in the week.  Fast forward a month – they had been out a few times but Rick had realized that Christa was far from the confident person she portrayed at the party.

‘She was uptight,’ he said. ‘Not meaning sex, but about life and she didn’t seem that interested in dating me.  That was fine – I thought we’d end up being that kind of friend you just see around.  As soon as I said this, she became interested and started pursuing me.  But in an indirect way, it was really strange. ’

This went on for years.  She would show up at his house randomly or call him, and whenever he saw her around there would be an insinuation of flirting but nothing outright.

‘I thought I might be paranoid, I tried to say something but she would just twist and deny it – but she kept acting as though she was interested in me.  At one point I was dating another girl May, and when Christa showed up yet again we staged it so it looked like we’d just got out of bed.  I thought she’d get the picture but she wouldn’t give up.   Much later when I was single again she came to visit me at College and so I decided to seduce her.  I thought it would put her in one camp or the other and then I could deal with it.  She backed right off.  It was a relief when she left me alone. ’

Most women I know haven’t been extreme with their ‘checking in’ on their ex, but even if your stalking isn’t noticed by him or others, you know about it.  Try your best to avoid it, but if you do succumb, just get back on the Ex-Purge program, keep up no contact and don’t be hard on yourself.

This is an excerpt from The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book – a 200-page book, workbook and email coaching program based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download the full sample chapter here.

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Thanks to Charlotte for writing this, it is good timing as we look at the no contact rule.  She has a wonderful blog about her breakup survival at mypixieblog.com. Check out more of her writing!

The “No Contact” rule is an especially difficult one for me to follow and I‘m ashamed to admit that I have cheated a few times since we broke up back in October. Just last week Jackson called to see if I could possibly help him with a writing assignment. I used to write all of his copy for his photography business and every now and then an assignment does come in, but it‘s been months. It’s very possible for us to discuss the details of these projects via phone or email, but he offered to take me out for a nice dinner, and since we hadn’t seen or spoken with each other in weeks, I relented.

The first half of the evening was pleasant and we discussed the usual topics: work, family, friends. We laughed and reminisced about various vacations we had been on and how long it’s been since we kicked back and enjoyed some time away from the office. But the evening eventually took a turn and we found ourselves arguing about the same things all over again. When was I going to grow up? When would he loosen up a bit? Why couldn’t I save money? Why did he care so much about material possessions?

These arguments escalate a lot faster now that we’re no longer a couple because we both realize there’s no way we can change each other. Am I grooming him for his next girlfriend? Though the thought sickens me, I really have to wonder. It’s certainly not for my own benefit that I repeat the same things over and I always end up having an out-of-body experience. Who is this person, and why does she sound so hostile?

I still think of him as my best friend and I’m upset that he’s made this breakup so bearable. I wish that he had cheated on me with my best friend or that I’d found him stealing money. But in all those years, he’s never said a single negative word about me and he still thinks the world of me. We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. If only it hadn’t taken me six years to figure it all out…

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of Sarah’s new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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J.K. Rowling is someone I admire.  What an amazing mind to have written those books – Harry Potter is a wonderful world to lose yourself in.  A friend recommended this video where she talks about two things: The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination. No matter what stage you are at in your breakup journey, this video will give you some perspective.  It is 20 minutes long but well worth listening to if you have time.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

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You want to scream at him.

Going No Contact is a tough thing to do, so I am putting together a series of posts to help you through this time.  This will keep you motivated to keep with your goal of staying away from your ex – when what you really want to do is scream at him, to talk to him, to throw things at him, to ask him more questions, to find out ‘why.’  Keeping up no contact is important – you can refind yourself and get on with your life.

The first story in this series needs to be my own.  The ending of my last relationship was swift.  I met Brian through an online dating site and I lost him to online dating.  We had been together for two years, had bought a house and were planning to have children.  He was the most intense guy I had ever been with – sometimes he was a whirlwind of excitement and at other times he was just hard work.  But he was intelligent, interesting and worked hard.  When he was ‘up’, we had a good time together.

On my 38th birthday I had my first suspicion he was cheating and five days later I found proof he was trolling internet dating sites for women – following this up with dates and dirty texts.  I screamed at him, took time out and within a week decided that as he was still lying, we had to breakup.  It was hard to go from thinking that everything was great in our relationship to being single so quickly.  It was hard to get my head around the change.

I did my best to go No Contact with him – we had property and money to sort out so we still had to communicate.  I tried to keep it business-like and do it by email but it was hard.  I slipped up – I was not perfect.  But I kept at it as I knew I had no choice.  I did not want to be with him anymore, and going No Contact was the easiest way to get him out of my system.

It worked.  And it can work for you too.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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Yesterday we looked at Getting Some Control Back after a Breakup. Here is an interview with Rachel – a woman who was dumped in a restaurant – after a 5-year relationship!

I talked with Rachel, a final year grad student about her breakup.  She met me in the park outside her University on a sunny day.  She had beautiful olive skin and black hair with a sheen that can only be natural.  She lifted her sunglasses in greeting and I could see the puffiness under her eyes.

‘I don’t really know what to do,’ she said.  ‘It’s too hard. Jack broke up with me three weeks ago.  I was…I am… devastated.  We’ve been going out for five years.  He’s my first real love.’

Breakup day

They had a long-distance relationship and when he came to visit one weekend a few weeks ago, he broke it off.

‘I don’t want to be together anymore Rach,’ he said over the restaurant table. ‘It’s the fights…I’m too busy with work to handle it.’
Rachel couldn’t say anything in response, she just let out a groan that she quickly tried to muffle.
‘We’re young,’ Jack said in a rehearsed tone. ‘We need to live our lives.  I can’t take the stress Rach.’
‘I have to go home,’ she replied.  ‘I can’t do this here.’
He stood up with her.  ‘I’ll get the check.  I’m staying at Mike’s, he said he’ll pick me up from here.’
‘You’re not coming back to my place?’
‘I can’t Rach.  Like I said…’
‘Right…yeah…we can’t be together,’ she replied, acutely aware of the other diners around her in the small restaurant.  ‘I’ve gotta go.’

Blaming herself

She got herself home and then the blame set in.  Instead of getting angry with him, she blamed herself for the arguments, she was sure it was her fault.
‘I’m very insecure and have no self-confidence,’ she said to her roommate, Yolanda. ‘He’s really busy with work and goes out all the time with his friends drinking and to clubs.  I just get jealous.  I can’t help myself…always ringing him, asking him where he’s been.’
‘It’s difficult,’ said Yolanda. ‘Long-distance relationships are almost impossible.  Don’t beat yourself up.’
‘But he never gave me a reason to doubt him.  I’m an idiot.  He never gave me a reason to think that he would cheat on me. Why did I think that?’

The other woman arrives

These thoughts continued to plague her over the next weeks.  She talked to his roommate, Gary, who was a mutual friend.  He didn’t know they had broken up because Jack hadn’t said anything and seemed normal.  Then another friend told her when Jack started dating someone else.  She also found out he had been hanging out with this new woman before he broke up with Rachel.  She was confused about what really happened.

I spoke to her on the phone and suggested that a short breakup conversation in a restaurant wasn’t enough for her to move on.  She could ask to meet him next time he was in town.  It was a five-year relationship, and she deserved better.

The final post-breakup meeting

I caught up with her a few weeks later, this time when she removed her glasses, her eyes were back to normal and she gave me a brief smile.

‘I saw him last weekend,’ she said. ‘I almost didn’t want to know, but it was bugging me so much.  I can’t believe he broke up with me in a restaurant!  We talked for a couple of hours.  I’m not sure I believe everything he said – that woman had been around for a while but he said they were just friends before.  I don’t know about that though, I think he was seeing her before.  I feel better, still sad though – five years is a long time.  Why would he throw away five years just like that?’

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This is why you need to follow the no contact rule and get your ex off your facebook.  Unfriend him now!!!  You do not need to see this kind of stuff on your newsfeed.

If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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