On the top shelf of my mother’s closet was a brown cardboard box, the size of a wine box, felted with wear.  Inside were the clothes of a woman I wished I’d met.  I would secretly pull the box down when she was out and gently unwrap the layers of tissue, dreaming of the life of the woman who wore these clothes.  Who was this woman who wore fringed suede and tassles?

I can still see the clothes that slipped out from the tissue into my hands: a fringed suede mini-skirt, a pink baby-doll mini-dress, a black sequinned and tasseled wool shell top, and a matching one in silver, a red and blue plaid maxi-dress with a line of fabric covered buttons, a pink cheong sam with a thigh-high slit.

Each piece was beautifully constructed and perfectly preserved, showing a tiny but curvy figure.  My 10-year old self had a hard time equating the woman who wore these clothes with my mother, who was…well…just Mum.  I swore to myself that when I could, I would wear clothes like this all my life – I wouldn’t lose my identity to children or, God forbid, a husband!

I realise now that I am older now than my mother was when I pawed steathily through her treasured clothes.  I realise now that my mother gripped on to her identity, despite working full time with three young children and having a singer as a husband so there was little money to go around.

She was still stylish in an 80’s kind of way, wearing primary colours and shoulder pads (in sweaters!).  She had a passion for redecorating the house – think the 70’s glory of shag pile carpet, cork tiles and the coolest white pedestal table.  She performed – one of my earliest memories is of my brother and I sitting in a darkened theatre, busy colouring in, as my mother rehearsed her role as Anita in West Side Story in the background or cringing as only children can do as my mother rehearsed acting drunk in a cabaret show she was in.  She continued being in shows all through my childhood – in the theatre she wasn’t a mum or a wife or a teacher, she was Andrea.

She might not have continued to wear suede mini-skirts and dresses with thigh-high slits, but she held on to her sense of self.  Now I understand what it is like to become immersed in work, relationships and children, I look back at how she held onto her identity with wonder and pride.  I understand why she seldom let me borrow those clothes, keeping that piece of herself for herself.

I still covet the box though – and still dream about meeting the woman who wore those clothes.

I love you Mum.  Happy 70th Birthday. xxx

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I’ve been reading Sarah Water’s gothic tale The Little Stranger.  It is classified as a ‘literary ghost story’ and that describes it well.  A slow but absorbing read, with layers of meaning.  Not a quick book to read on the plane, but instead one you can enjoy once you are on your holiday and have time to linger over it.

There is a breakup in the book and Waters describes the feelings and thoughts you go through straight after perfectly:

My mind, sober, felt as though it would burst.  The simple loss of Caroline was hard enough to bear, but the loss of her was the loss of so much more.  Everything Id planned and hoped for, I could see it – I could see it, melting away from me!  I was like a thirsty man reaching after a mirage of water – putting out my hands to the vision and watching it turn to dust.  And there was all the stab and humiliation of having supposed it to be mine.  I thought of people who must now be told:  Seeley , Graham, the Desmonds, the Rossiters – everyone.  I saw their sympathetic or pitying faces, and I imagined the sympathy and pity turning, behind my back, to scandal and satisfaction…I couldn’t bear it.

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I’ve been enjoying the dating diaries posts on Marvi Marti’s blog. She is doing the whole internet dating thing in her 40s and she is not shy to write about how it’s going.  She writes with humor and honesty – worth checking out!

In one of her latest posts she writes about the benefits of background checks. A post on Life Bytes that poses the question: how well do you know who you are dating? inspired her writing and both are worth reading and thinking about.  I sure could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had background checked B – the rat bastard!  I am sure there would have been red flags a plenty.

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Ever thought about revenge after breaking up?  Did your ex do something so bad that you want to kick his arse?  Check out this article about two women finding out that they had been seeing the same guy at the same time.

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The author Ryu Murakami has written this beautiful article about the hope the earthquake has brought Japan, translated into English for The New York Times.  It’s inspiring.

But for all we’ve lost, hope is in fact one thing we Japanese have regained.

Ryu Murakami

Take a look here at a photo of the rebuild of a road in just 4 days.  This is one country that can come together, heal and rebuild.

I’m donating half of every book purchase until the end of April to the Red Cross Appeal supporting disaster relief efforts in Japan.

Spend $24, I donate $12.

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The only thing I can talk about is just forgiving yourself, because I do not have everything together. And so I tell people: No, you should see my house, it’s a mess.

Susan Sarandon

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And as we had a first love breakup story this week, I thought we’d have a breakup quote about first love as well.  Yes I can remember mine – Greg.  Had a George Michael look about him – we were both 16 and it was the 80s, so forgive me!  And first love really didn’t die for me, it just stayed in a special place in my heart.  Funny because I’ve seen photos of him and he’s put on weight (who hasn’t?), looks older, but still I think ‘awwww, what a sweetie’.  That breakup was awful – I can remember feeling like M did in her story this week.  How could I live without him?  It had never occurred to me that we would ever breakup.  I love this quote by Benjamin Disrael as it really does explain why first love is so special: The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.

And Bonnie Tyler sings about first love as well:

They say that your first love never dies
You can put out the flames, but not the fire
Bottled up inside, you can’t come out
First love, you were my, first love
First Love, Bonnie Tyler

If you are interested in other breakup quotes to help you get over someone, check out the Breakup Bitch quote site.

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I had a wonderful email from M last week – that we all could relate to.  She is 16 and going through her first big breakup with dignity and courage.  I am sure we all remember our first love, and how hard it was to get over them – this story is a nice reminder to us about that stage in our lives.

I was dumped last year by my ex after dating him for 5 years and surprisingly he’s now dating my best friend.  My ‘best friend’ told me that I don’t deserve to be with my ex. Yeah, it hurts and I thought about suicide after I found out  he was dating my ‘best friend’.  A month after we broke up, my friend (that is dating my ex) invited me to a party so I decided to go with my girlfriends, even though I knew he might be coming. The situation became even worse after my ex kissed and hugged ‘my best friend’ tightly.

After this incident I never met him or her anymore.  I decided to go away and find something to get my life back.  I had ruined my life after I decided to cancel my scholarship to stay close to my ex because I thought that he would love me more but I was 100% wrong.

I moved to a new house and found a new friend.  She taught me a lot about sacrifice, love and helped  me with this problem.  I just understood when she said “please move on”  and turned my life around 360 degrees.  Even though I am still 16, I can still feel the pain especially as it was my first love and yeah, I never thought this would happen in my life.

So now, I shut down everything and have started a new chapter.  I am happy and believe that I deserve much better.  A lot of girls out there who have faced the same situation as me inspired me a lot.  I believe that i can be successful too without him!

Do you remember your first love?  How did you get over him?

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Doesn’t this poem capture that feeling of dread when your partner starts making the breakup speech starting with those four little words: ‘We need to talk…’

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have the strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
Like an ominous bird a-wing….

From Neutral Tones by Thomas Hardy

If you are interested in other breakup quotes to help you get over someone, check out the Breakup Bitch quote site.

If you are struggling after your breakup, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book:  ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’  It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.

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I love this inspirational quote by Hilary Rodham Clinton – going through my negotiation to settle with Brian after our breakup, I definitely felt this way.  The harder he pushed, the more effort I put into showing him he wasn’t affecting me.  I knew a lot of what he was doing was trying to get emotions out of me – whether it be sadness, love, anger or regret.  But I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction – he wasn’t going to feed off my emotions any more.  So I grew a thick skin and showed nothing as he dug into me, trying to get a response.

I hope your settlement will be a lot easier on you, that your ex respects you and you can finish things amicably – but if you find yourself in the middle of a battle, find some inspiration in Hilary’s words.

The harder they hit, the more encouraged I get.

Hilary Rodham Clinton

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