The Breakup Bitch » breakup diary

Writing (Not Talking) Through Your Problems

Sarah — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 20:28:38 +0000

Many of us turn to our friends and family to talk through our problems after we breakup (or in fact have any major issue in our lives). We go over our sadness, what he did, what we did, what we should have done, what he shouldn’t have done. We rehash it…again and again.

But this stage of breaking up isn’t something that will help you get over your ex. I’ve been reading an interesting little book called 59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot , written by Professor Richard Wiseman. He looks at the scientific studies backing common self-help exercises to see if they really work. And talking through your problems after breaking up helps less than you may think.

Most of us believe that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’ But a Belgium study looked at the affect of sharing a traumatic experience with someone else – and it showed that it made no difference in helping them cope. Several studies though have shown that writing down (and you can just spend a few minutes a day doing this) your deepest thoughts and feelings about your problem can help improve your psychological and physical well-being.

…including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness.

Richard Wiseman, 59 Seconds

So why does talking about it not work, while writing does help? Just talking about your problems is somewhat chaotic and can lead to more confusion but researchers believe that writing gives you the chance to structure your thoughts, you ‘create a storyline’ and this helps you to make sense of what happened to you. From there, you can work towards a solution.

I definitely found that when I was on the rocky road of ending my marriage, my diary helped. It gave me a sense of control – whatever the mayhem around me, I was able to keep writing in my diary and this helped me to ’see’ what was going on. It gave me perspective in the muddle of devastation. The other thing it did was help me to see what was bothering me. Maybe I moaned to my friends about my relationship problems, but it wasn’t until I saw the same issues coming up again and again in my diary was I motivated to do anything about it.

It was helpful to write in the aftermath of my breakup. As I channeled my complaints and grief onto the pages, my head cleared and I could think about other things for some of the time. I could rehash and rewrite my past, and I could see that logically I had made the right decision. It’s hard to think about going back when you have pages and pages of writing about how unhappy you were in the relationship – no matter what you tried.

So try it out, grab a notebook – something sturdy and small you can carry around with you – and get writing. Put some structure to your grief, and find the way forward.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts. You can download a sample chapter here.

When he won’t leave you alone I have had a few emails this week from...

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Breakup diary: holiday uncommitment

Sarah Horth — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:39:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 1 month until we breakup and things are turning to custard...

5/20 Why does it always have to be so difficult with T? Bloody bastard – this totally pisses me off. How selfish is he? How much time does he want to spend with me? None at all obviously. It upsets me. Why? I think he doesn’t love me? He made a commitment and broke it? He wants to go to a druggy party with his friends and not a tropical holiday with me, and it hurts. It makes me sad. God we can’t even have a holiday without fighting. Why is he so selfish?

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, or working out whether indeed you should breakup, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts. You can download a sample chapter here.

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Breakup Diary: Bullied

Sarah Horth — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:18:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 1 1/2 months until we breakup and it starts to get desperate...

1/5 First day of May and end the day fighting and start the day fighting. But I will not be spoken to like that! I figure the only way to do it is to either shut up or to say ‘ask nicely.’ ‘Could you say that one more time nicely?’ To try and get him into the habit. I will not be bullied. I mean really yesterday to bully me to make a set time and place – what a stupid thing to bully me over. I feel centered. It is only a matter of retraining. I won’t argue about it anymore.

I would like a nice home with harmony. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when he has that tired sound in his voice. I know you will attack me. Maybe he doesn’t see it as attacking but I do. I would not speak to a dog like he speaks to me. Then I watch him and wait, and sure enough he does it.

For years I have made excuses for his rudeness – Japanese way, tired, etc. But he is no longer a hard working businessman, and I have seen our Japanese friends being nice to their wives. So I say enough! I understand this is the way he has communicated for a long time so I shall retrain him.

Everytime you do it, I will swallow back my anger and ask you to repeat it in a nice way.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: No Sleep Again

Sarah Horth — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:07:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 1 1/2 months until we breakup...

4/27 On the way to my yoga retreat after only having 2 1/2 hours sleep – yikes! Went home early from dinner and took a while to sort myself out. Then at 4.30am my darling bit me! Now that might be funny now (and I do smile to remember) but at the time I was fucked off. Anyway we made love which was nice. Been a while.

I can’t operate like this for much longer, no or little or broken sleep. I am so looking forward to this weekend just for the sleep! Yay!

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: Out for a Fight

Sarah Horth — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:17:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 2 months until we breakup...

4/25 I really tried not to bite last night. I felt myself riling up for a fight – now I really see T as incredibly argumentative when he is tired. He was out for a fight. And he really does push and I know I usually respond the way he wants.

I wonder why he gets so aggressive – not really my issue though. I can never know what is going on in his head! A lot though, I guess. I’m learning to not react – and it sure is better than screaming and hating him. We’ll see if I can keep it up/

Looks like sleeping separately is the only way I can sleep at the moment – we keep on ending up in separate rooms.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup diary: If I Died in 3 months…

Sarah Horth — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 09:16:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 2 months until we breakup...

4/22 I’ve been reading the 7 Habits book. So if I was going to die in 3 months, what would I be doing today? I’d want to finish my art work. I’d want to be around my family and friends and have fun. Enjoy my last days as much as possible, but do stuff! Probably take a long lovely holiday somewhere like Bali, just relaxing, swimming, eating, doing yoga, making love. Then go home, park up at a beach, go for lots of long walks, make love, do art, do yoga.

Definitely that is what I’d be doing. See Rosie the dog, enjoy her as I wouldn’t be able to have a baby – how sad am I just thinking about it.

If I had to stay at work, I’d get everything finished up so it’s ready for the next person. My e-learning course would be finished (love to see that baby finished). I suppose I wouldn’t need any extra work as I wouldn’t be buying a house! I’d wear all my most gorgeous clothes all the time, see my friends. Make love, make love like there’s no tomorrow (well…there almost wouldn’t be). Spend time with people who make me feel good. Be one with nature, go down and clean up the riverside. Do something to make a difference.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: Stressed

Sarah Horth — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:25:05 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill and I am deciding whether to end my relationship. Less than 2 months until we breakup...
4/20 I had a nice sleep on the beach and definitely has gotten hotter. I feel stressed. I feel like crying and I just want it to all go away. I did do yoga on the beach and had half a donut so feel a bit better. The yoga especially helped.

I’m looking forward to getting away, I think it’ll be just what I need to do at the moment. I almost feel like writing this diary is doing my head in as well. I wonder if it is encouraging me to be more inward looking. I really don’t need any more help being inward looking.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: Money Money Money

Sarah Horth — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:04:22 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 2 months until we breakup...
4/18 Told Mum all about what’s been going on last night and she was horrified! So I’ll get support from her – she’s good. And really when I think about all the money he’s wasted…he has no idea how to control his spending. And so this year he will learn. Like mum said, we’re a couple. We’re a couple and if we’re going to have a family we need to work together. So he better sort himself out. I feel like I want to leave because of this and his attitude. How bad is it that we’re a couple and I can’t trust him at all with money?

I give it two months. He needs to sort himself out. I’m going to write it in my diary and I’m going to follow through.

IRead about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: Step Back

Sarah Creagh Horth — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:08:21 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 2 months until we breakup...
4/17 I think T’s true colors are coming out…I have to shut up though, I will not be helping by saying
anything. He is in a difficult situation but he put himself there. He way overspent on his holiday and he needs to pay some of it back.

Anyway I have to stop wasting energy on this – he has to work it out for himself. I just have to stay focused on working hard. He needs to work out his own problems, I will not be married to some flaky guy. My mind is full of it and it is boring. I have changed and maybe I’m leaving my husband behind – there’s nothing to be done about it. I have tried long enough, it is up to him to do his part now.

We look at things differently – I look at the long term and he looks at immediate gratification.

Oh dear, just leave him alone Sarah – he’ll sort himself out. I wish he would just demand the money to pay back that debt, then I would just leave him. I’d be 34 no husband no baby no nothing, but free of this stress. But I’d be on my way to my dream life.

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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Breakup Diary: Different Dreams

Sarah Creagh Horth — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:19:00 +0000

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill. 2 months until we breakup...
4/14 T and I don’t have the same dream: I want a house, I want a baby. I want to relax while having a baby. I want there to be enough money so I can relax. I thought T and I made a commitment to work towards this goal, but really T loves to spend money – taking money for the house and spending it on his excessive life. He is 36 and still spending so much money on clubbing. He has a need – this wanderlust! It’s not like I want huge money, just enough to be comfortable.

Maybe we aren’t soulmates after all. If he could stop comparing himself with everyone. He wants a big house – why? I don’t want a big house, I just want a simple life. I am taking my lunch to work and shop at the fleamarket – so I can save for our future – what is he doing? He compares himself to H&N (good friends of ours), but they have worked hard and compromised for a long time to get where they are now.

So maybe we have different dreams. I think at the moment we don’t have the same dream…and maybe I need to simply say that.

Read about the background to my D iary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

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