I’ve been reading Sarah Water’s gothic tale The Little Stranger.  It is classified as a ‘literary ghost story’ and that describes it well.  A slow but absorbing read, with layers of meaning.  Not a quick book to read on the plane, but instead one you can enjoy once you are on your holiday and have time to linger over it.

There is a breakup in the book and Waters describes the feelings and thoughts you go through straight after perfectly:

My mind, sober, felt as though it would burst.  The simple loss of Caroline was hard enough to bear, but the loss of her was the loss of so much more.  Everything Id planned and hoped for, I could see it – I could see it, melting away from me!  I was like a thirsty man reaching after a mirage of water – putting out my hands to the vision and watching it turn to dust.  And there was all the stab and humiliation of having supposed it to be mine.  I thought of people who must now be told:  Seeley , Graham, the Desmonds, the Rossiters – everyone.  I saw their sympathetic or pitying faces, and I imagined the sympathy and pity turning, behind my back, to scandal and satisfaction…I couldn’t bear it.

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I recently reviewed Getting Past Your Breakup and in it there is a cautious and sensible set of rules about dating (when you’re ready to get out there again).  These are caring, look-after-yourself dating rules – not the strange be-a-woman-like-no-other rules you see in some dating books (like The Rules which I obviously don’t like!!!):

1. Enjoy yourself!
2. Stay safe – trust your intuition
3. Relax and keep the conversation breezy
4. Listen to your date (really listen, be careful about your inner dialogue trying to prove how compatible you are, what you hope he is saying)
5. Don’t reveal too much on early dates – if there are skeletons in your closet you can tell them 3-4 dates down the line
6. Avoid long conversations in the days following the first date – take time to assess this person
7. Don’t get involved physically for the first few dates – this helps you to keep some perspective
8. Journal your reactions after each date – be careful about justifying away warning signs
9. Go slowly
10. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed too fast
11. Don’t get depressed if the date doesn’t turn into the love of your life – it won’t be this way forever
12. Don’t start thinking about the future – if the date goes badly, don’t generalize that you will be alone forever…and if the date goes well – take it as it comes, evaluate the person not his potential
13. Accept rejection – and don’t judge yourself!
14. One bad date is not the end of the world – in fact it will probably turn into a funny story to tell your friends (check out Confessions of an Online Dater )
15. Do some positive affirmations – you are OK no matter what happens!

Amazon readers:                                                              NZ Fishpond Site:
Getting Past Your Breakup

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I recently reviewed Getting Past Your Breakup and in it, the author Susan J Elliott recommends that all newly single gals out there, plan a date night (or morning) every week.  That means spending one night alone with yourself to help you get through the stages of breaking up.  Other writers have recommended this as well – in The Artist’s Way, author Julia Cameron recommends planning one ‘Artist’s Date’ a week, where you go on a date with yourself somewhere that will stimulate your creativity (it might be a gallery, a fleamarket, anywhere interesting).

Elliott recommends switching off all outside communication (yes that includes Facebook and Twitter for the addicts) – those of you with kids, take it after they go to bed, before they get up, or when they are visiting Grandma.

Do something special for you: take a bath, read a novel, go out for a bike ride.  You might like to take a class, go shopping or get your nails done.  Personally there is nothing I like more than going to a movie on my own.  There is something so indulgent about it.  If I am living in a city close to hot springs, that is another wonderful escape.

Elliott explains:

‘There is tremendous payoff to learning to spend time doing good things for yourself.  Not only will it make you feel better, but you will attract other positive people who know that self-care is a priority.’

Amazon readers:            NZ Fishpond Site:

Getting Past Your Breakup

The Artist’s Way

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I offered my mailing list members the chance to win two books from my bookshelf - Getting Past Your Breakup and another more light-hearted book. Interestingly no-one asked for the light-hearted book, and everyone put their name down for Getting Past Your Breakup!

So what is so good about this book?  It is focused on treating the breakup as an opportunity for you to grow – not as a time to focus on trying to win back your ex.  Written by grief counselor Susan J Elliott, writer of the Getting Past Your Past blog, it gives you a road map to follow to put your energy back into you. She includes easy-to-understand explanations and also quotes from her readers, who have gone through the same thing.

Elliott starts the book talking about her own story – how she finally broke free of an abusive relationship and how she slowly gained confidence in being alone and raising her family.  She lays out the ‘Rules of Disengagement,’ which include an outline of the no-contact rule (and she has an answer for every excuse you might have when you try to get out of doing this!).  She then moves on to the stages of grief:

• shock,
• much emotion,
• going over things in your mind,
• confusion,
• anger,
• guilt,
• anxiety,
• ambivalence,
• pining and searching,
• depression – discussing when you need clinical intervention.

She finishes the chapter on grief looking at the acceptance stage.

She gives the reader exercises to do in the next chapter on looking after yourself – including affirmations and positive visualization.  She also includes gratitude, which I am a big believer in, and setting new goals. For readers with children, there is a chapter on making things easier for children, including:

• monitor yourself and model healthy behavior,
• continue to be a parent to your children,
• keep up quality time
• and be open about the breakup.

After dealing with the immediate problems facing a breakup, Elliott covers a bigger picture.  She looks at your habits and tendencies in relationships and writing and ‘life inventory’ which is a way to identify the ‘red flags you ignored or missed.’  Then she looks at limits and boundaries – so you are prepared for your next relationship.  She finishes on a Q&A chapter that also includes letters from her readers.

Elliot takes you through a hard time and turns it into a positive (if tough) experience.  She is not your best girlfriend – she is more like a helpful counselor getting your through the hard days.  She has a huge following and her reviews on Amazon reflect this (five stars all the way). A worthwhile book to have on your bookshelf.

If you would like to join my mailing list to have the chance to enter my give-aways, receive special member interviews and news – as well as get access to my ebook 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster, join up here.  And don’t worry I won’t overwhelm your mailbox, I might contact you once a week

Amazon readers:
NZ Fishpond Site:
Getting Past Your Breakup

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It is not often that I say a book changed my life, but Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes is one of those times.  It is a book I have often picked up and found useful at different times in my life.  It adapts to any situation involving change you are facing.  I originally picked it up when I was having difficulties at work, and, since then, it has also seen me through a breakup and the mourning of two deaths.

Author William Bridges originally wrote Transitions when he was going through a major transition himself 30 years ago – changing careers.  The first edition sold over 500,000 copies but this review is based on the slightly edited and expanded second edition. This is a book everyone should have on their bookshelves.

Bridges starts by defining transition and explains how it differs from change – change being the situation that you are facing and transition being ‘the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life.’

The main part of the book covers the three stages of change: Endings, The Neutral Zone and Beginnings.  In Endings, Bridges breaks down the stages of disengagement that you need to go through when going through a transition.

He then moves on to the neutral zone, which is the most original and helpful part of the book.  He explains that ‘the neutral zone is essentially one of emptiness in which the old reality looks transparent and nothing looks solid anymore.’ He recommends accepting that it is going to happen rather than force yourself to hurry through it, a novel idea in a culture that is bent on fixing things quickly.  We need to take time to process the transition we are going through – whether it be from one job to another, from being single to being part of a couple, facing a death or dealing with a breakup.

I know personally I want to race into the next stage, and feel uncomfortable in the neutral zone, that no man’s land.  An example of this is when you breakup: for a long time I don’t really feel happy and single, and I definitely am not part of a couple anymore.  That is the neutral zone.  It is an uncomfortable place to be in, but it also a time of potential and a time of great insight.  This book has helped me to slow down and face the changes in my life by transitioning through properly – now I get to move on, rather than leaping at the first diversion that takes my mind off the change.

Finally he covers Beginnings and how to recognize that they are true beginnings, and not just diversions.

Keeping his theory very simple and then illustrates it in many different ways which makes this book easy to understand: he uses his own life-story, examples from the first class he taught about transitions, examples from history, anecdotes from people he knows and from famous people, mythological examples, tribal rites, psychological studies and examples from literature.  As well as this he also gives practical exercises for the reader to try.  There will be something that will resonate with the reader. I liked the real-life examples and the tribal rites but found the myths he introduced to be too long and boring, whereas a friend I lent this to loved the myths.

A book I highly recommend.  It is a helpful companion in times of change.

Amazon:                    NZ Fishpond site link:

Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes

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After a breakup it can feel like you have so much more time on your hands, which can be a positive thing if you are a reader.  I see Amazon has come out with its Best Books for 2009 list which might give you some inspiration to pick up a book. Their number one editor’s pick looks like a great read, I’ve put it on my list: Let the Great World Spin: A Novel

Publisher’s Weekly also has their Best Books for 2009 list out as well.  I am sure if you check them out you will find something you can get lost in!  To have a good book has always been my backup plan when I’ve been through breakups.  Sometimes I just get tired of thinking about breaking up and my sadness, so I always have an emergency book on hand.

For others of you, it might be having a good movie or TV show at the ready – see some ideas for a wallowfest of sad movies here.  And if if you want some more ideas check out what other women did to keep busy after breaking up here.

For Amazon readers:        For NZ, The Fishpond Book site:

Let the Great World Spin

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, and finding new ways to fill in your time, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts.  You can download a sample chapter here.

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I am really excited to have my 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster eBook ready for you to download.  It coverse the early stages of breaking up.

You might feel you are stuck in your breakup. You might worry that you think about your ex too often and that you may never get over him.
What you want is:

• To move on faster
• Get over him for once and for all
• To do more than the no-contact rule

If you want to turn into a free woman and start your new beginning, your first action is to download my FREE 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster eBook.

Take strides towards getting over your ex today!

3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster gives you:

• Concrete exercises you can do now to help you let go of your ex
• New habits to start you on your new beginning
• A strategy to deal with friends and family (who might not be helping)

You get told ‘accept your breakup’ or ‘don’t be hard on yourself’– what does this mean? How are you meant to do it? In 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster, I’ll give you some easy things you can start doing today.

Change your attitude & your life!

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