Hello everyone!  It’s been a crazy few months with a busy contract and it has meant that I have let my blogging go a bit but I am back and I am fat!  Yes, finally after some very sad years of loss trying to have a family, it is finally going to happen in the next few weeks – eek!  Please wish me luck as this has been a long time coming.

Last Christmas I was facing my 6th miscarriage, it was an horrific time.  How are you feeling right now?  Christmas and New Year’s can be a hard time for the newly single (and a good time as there are many excuses to get out and party!).  Some of the things that got me through that tough time I have written about on this site.  And when I had sunk into quite a bad depression and needed some help visualizing positive goals again I used some of the tactics talked about in The Winner’s Bible (and there are some more here).  They helped me have something positive to look towards, even when everything else looked pretty grim around me.

You could use your holiday time to dream up some big dreams and look forward to the exciting year 2011 is going to bring you.

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I have finally finished the second edition of The Breakup Bitch Monthly – all about how to prepare to negotiate with your ex.  Subscribe now to get a copy!

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When I am in a new stage of life – like after a breakup – getting my life in order is one of my favorite things to do.  I don’t have to think of anyone else as I rethink my priorities and goals.  I usually do a massive spring-clean in my home – especially around my desk and my closet.  It is a great time to look at things with new eyes.  You haven’t worn that dress for 5 years and actually you don’t even like it any more?  Put it on the consignment store pile.  There are bills floating around your desk from months ago?  File them.

There is something so energizing about a cleanse.  I have been sorting my kitchen this week (as I discovered every time I went to the supermarket I was sure I needed udon noodles – as I am going through a Japanese cooking binge – and then discovered 5 packets at the back of my pantry) and it feels great.  Now I go to the supermarket and I know what is in the cupboards.  No more extra noodles!

I found this great blog post on the living simply blog where the author’s favorite bloggers give their best simplicity tips.  I hope it gives you inspiration to get organized and embrace the new freedom you have in your life. It got me to clean my desk of clutter today and I have been thinking about doing it all week!

Some of my favorite tips from the post:

• Prioritize: work out what is important and why (make sure it is important in the big scheme of things as well!)
• Focus: now you know what you need to work on, focus on it, shut out other distractions (like iphones, email or a messy desk) and just get going on it.  Some people recommended giving yourself a time limit and sticking to it.  Others recommended working in the morning (or whatever is the best time of day is for you).
• Before buying something, think really hard whether you need it.  More clutter = more work for you.  Think about giving something away each time you buy something new.
• Get rid of clutter – unsubscribe to e-newsletters that don’t inspire you, clear that backlog of emails in your account, clear that messy desk, get your dvds sent by mail or watch things online.
• Set up routines if you are busy – use set up food shopping lists, plan meals, plan in your exercise time, keep things in certain places so you can easily grab it when you need it.

Very inspirational.

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In the last week, I’ve been looking at advice from the book The Winner’s Bible by Dr Kerry Spackman.  After a breakup, and the way it turns our lives upside down, it can be a time we reassess our goals.  Goals can give us a structure to our lives when everything else seems to be dissolving around us.

We’ve looked at how to visualize your goals and also looked at the different types of goals you might have (and how to visualize them).  So hopefully you have some pictures ready to look at and ‘live’ in your mind that represent your goals.

I like Spackman’s book over books like The Secret as he doesn’t just focus on material goals.  He looks at life balance.  He finishes the chapter on visualizing goals by recommending to include pictures of other things you care about into your visualization routine- family members and others who are important in your life.  By putting their photos in your morning visualization it may prompt you to remember to give Mum a call or catch up with the dear friend you keep meaning to see.

I really liked this addition to the morning routine – it made me smile to see those photos, and reminded me that now is just as important as the future.  I am lucky to have a good support network, and I never want to take that for granted, no matter how exciting the new goals are.

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Last week we looked at Getting Inside Your Goals by visualizing what you are striving for.  I am reading The Winner’s Bible: Rewire Your Brain for Permanent Change and although it’s not a perfect book, it is an interesting read.

The author Dr Kerry Spackman breaks down the goals you have into different types.  His visualization techniques are reasonably straight forward for material or physical goals you might have.  If you think you need to lose weight or become more healthy, you could include a photo of you at a healthier time in your life, or have a picture of someone doing something that relates to this goal – going hiking or doing yoga.  If you want to find a new job or sign a contract (one of my goals!) you could include a picture like this one  on the left.  Of course if you are aiming for a new house or a new car, pictures of these things are easily found.

But what if one of your goals is about your character?  What kind of images do you use if your goals include things like:

• Overcoming setbacks
• Increasing your personal power
• Overcoming your weaknesses

So what images do you use for these kind of goals?  Spackman recommends using images of heroes and mentors who personify what you are aiming for.  For me, one of my goals is to get over my personal setbacks and turn them into successes. So  chose JK Rowling as my image.  Her life story was filled with personal challenges but she rose above them to create that wonderful series of books – this struggle and success is the perfect visualization for where I am right now.

Spackman gives the example of Nelson Mandela as the image to use if some of your goals are to never give in and to act with dignity.  Use images of people you look up to to embody the goals to do with your character.

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I am reading a book called The Winner’s Bible: Rewire Your Brain for Permanent Change, written by Dr Kerry Spackman who consults with Formula 1 Racers and Olympic Athletes.  A lot of the book is about goal setting and visualizations.  An interesting point Spackman makes is to really get inside your goals as they give you ‘energy and purpose in life.’

He says that listing your goals is not enough, what you need to do is to really see them.  How do you do this?

• Lists don’t get deep inside to arouse your emotions – you need to feel your goals.
• You need to find images of your goals that you can bring to life in your mind.
• He recommends using fixated visualization – you stare at the image of your goal for about 2 minutes (you can blink!).
• When you do this, the picture will become an experience as you imagine yourself as part of the picture and the story it tells.  You will hear the conversation, you will smell the smells, you will be part of the goal.
• The goal will become alive and real – your senses have become involved in the visualization.
• The more you practice visualization, the easier it will become.
• One way to help your subconscious along is to make up small stories to go with the images  – these stories will naturally enter your subconscious.
• You need to feel your goals – they need to be more than words on a page or a bland picture

So what makes a good picture to use?

• It needs to tell a story you can be involved in.
• It needs to be excellent quality – the better the picture, the more it will stimulate your senses.
• Either cut them out of magazines or use google images to search for images.
• Spackman says to print them out and put them in a folder, but I’ve made a slideshow of mine, as I am on my computer all the time.

What are your goals?

• Your goals may change over time, so for now write down a list of goals – use this list to find the images you are after.
• Choose images that are realistic for your life right now – for example, you’d like a long-term partner, don’t choose Brad Pitt as he is a fantasy not a goal!
• If you do have an uber-goal, put the picture right at the end of your folder, so you don’t lose sight of your very big goal, but day-to-day you visualize from your realistic goals.  Chasing something that is impossible can be destructive.

I’ll take a look at the different types of goals tomorrow – material and non material.

The book is an interesting read – not perfect by any means, but it is giving me a much-needed kick up the butt!

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Sometimes things just don't go according to plan!

2010 is to be the year things go smoothly – I thought – I deserve it after last year.  If only we could control the universe in that way!  This week I had a trip to the hospital, a leak in the bathroom has caved in the downstairs bedroom ceiling, someone stole my phone and I’m not starting the graduate course I applied for.

I thought the year had started well -  the Husband is off walking the whole of length of New Zealand to get some space and release some of that 2009 stress.  I have some (head) space for me to get grounded after the year that was bloody awful (and an excuse to visit parts of the country that I haven’t been to for a while).

But my 2010 plans seem to already be going awry – I hoped to do some graduate study this year but an admin error held up my application long enough so I missed out this semester.  It felt like the right thing to do when I was applying, but as I can’t do it Right Now, the appeal is waning.  So perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do.  Perhaps I was just filling my mind with thinking about the future, rather than dealing the grief of the past and present.

I have more than enough projects started to keep me busy, but after the grief of last year I wanted Something Else.  I wanted to get away from my life as it was, and move somehow into a new life that doesn’t contain grief and sadness and frustration.  I’m not sure how a graduate programme was going to do that, but it might have kept me so busy I wouldn’t think.

So this is something to think about when you are working out your goals and dreams – check your motivation.  Are you running away from something, rather than moving forward?  Have you taken the time you need to grieve your old life and relationship, so when it is time to move into your new life you are ready?

I don’t think I had taken enough time.  I need to let myself be busy for the next few months, but not so frenetic that there isn’t a moment to breathe.  What do you need to let yourself do this year?

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To balance all these posts about No Contact, it’s good to look forward to more positive things and get back into working out your new dreams and goals.  I promised you a while back to spend some time on working out your new goals, and now with my writing groove back on, let’s get started!

We already saw J.K. Rowling talk about how she used failure to become a success this week, so what was her message and how does it apply to you?

In her late 20s she saw herself as the biggest failure that she knew: her marriage had imploded, she was a single parent, jobless and the poorest you can be without being homeless.  The only sign of light at the end of the tunnel was her hope rather than anything real.

And for you now, how do you feel about your situation?  You might be wondering how this happened to you, sure that this kind of thing was not meant to happen – you didn’t expect to be single again at 25,30,35,40 (insert your age here).  You are good at relationships – so why did you fail this time?  Or maybe you are good at other things in your life, but not relationships, and you wonder when you will start succeeding.

For J.K. Rowling failure meant a stripping away of the inessential – she stopped pretending that she was anything else than what she was.  She began directing her energy into the only work that really mattered to her.   She wondered if she had really succeeded in anything else, she might not have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where she believed she truly belonged.  Failure set her free as her greatest fear had been realised, she was still alive, had her daughter, an old typewriter and a big idea.

‘Rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I built my life.’

Failure gave her an inner security and taught her things about herself that she could have learned no other way.  She discovered she had a strong will and more discipline than she had suspected – and she had good friends.  She was wiser and stronger than before.

Knowledge gained through your setbacks, means you are secure in knowing you can survive.  You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until they have been tested by adversity – this knowledge is a true gift.

‘Life is difficult and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control.’

So what about you?  What have you learned about yourself through the ending of your relationship?

• Have some friends surprised you with their support – or lack of support?
• Have you shown some grit you didn’t know you had?
• Have you surprised yourself?
• In what ways do you think this breakup has changed you?
• What expectations has this breakup freed you from? (Things like: I will be married and have kids by 35.)
• With your new freedom, do you have the courage to find your ‘big idea’?
• What might your big idea be?

J.K. Rowling came through her time of adversity and was stronger and braver for it.  You will get through it to, and yes be stronger and braver for it – not that we all will become billionaire authors (I wish!), but you will find your dream in all your new freedom and apply your new found grit to following it through.

(I am not mentioning V-day as this stuff is far more exciting than some chocolate and balloons. Forget that stuff today – instead spend time thinking about how cool you really are!)

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J.K. Rowling is someone I admire.  What an amazing mind to have written those books – Harry Potter is a wonderful world to lose yourself in.  A friend recommended this video where she talks about two things: The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination. No matter what stage you are at in your breakup journey, this video will give you some perspective.  It is 20 minutes long but well worth listening to if you have time.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

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I haven’t written for a while – 2009 ended badly and I couldn’t focus on my blog.  I had a bad year in general in 2009, but I kept trying to keep my positivity going saying ‘there are many great things about 2009.’  Indeed there were many great things about 2009 that I am thankful for.

I almost finished my Smart Woman’s Breakup Book manuscript, and got great responses from the professional writers who edited it.  I completed my writing diploma.  I met many great people and had a wonderful time in the US again.  I came back to NZ and moved into my wonderful house.  I had my first wedding anniversary with my lovely husband.  If you didn’t know me well, you would think I was living a dream life, but appearances can be deceptive.

But I also suffered through 6 miscarriages.  My grief is so huge that it is beyond processing, and instead I have become numb.  The last one started the week of Christmas, so you can understand how happy I was to say good-bye to 2009.  2010 is going to be much better.  I know so many people who had a hard 2009 – what with the recession, but also many people going through personal crises as well.  There are many of us saying ‘hello and welcome’ to the New Year.

You may well feel the same.

So I decided to start the blog this year writing about hopes and dreams – and goal setting to get you there!  I need to be positive again – and I guess so do you.  Let’s get on with building a better future!

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Try writing your epitaph.

There are a lot of books out there that talk about visualizing your way to success – and setting goals is part of the process.  I particularly like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – as the author, leadership expert Stephen Covey does not just go on about making loads of money (as some of those types of books do).  It is a bit ‘businessy’ in tone, but the big thing he focuses on working out what is important to you.  There’s not much use visualizing making a million dollars if that is not going to make you really happy.

He includes several exercises that you can try to work out what is really important to you:

1.  Imagine you have been told you have 3 months to live, but you are to continue with your job.  Visualize how you will spend the next 3 months.   This will give you a different perspective about your life.  Try living this new frame of mind for a week and see what you learn.

2.  Imagine you are sitting at a funeral service of a loved one.  You park the car and walk into the building seeing faces of friends and family as you enter.  You feel the sorrow of loss.  You walk to the front of the service and look inside the casket and come face to face with you – this is your funeral in five years in the future.  All these people have come to honor you.

You take a service program and see that four speakers are listed – one is from your immediate family, one is a close friend, the third is someone you work with, and the fourth is someone from your community or from an organization you are involved with.  Now think about what you would like each speaker to say about your life.  What kind of person would you want to be remembered as?  What kind of character do people say you have and what contributions do you want to be remembered for?

This is a great way for you to work out what your real priorities are in life – not what you think you should be working towards, but who you really want to become.

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