The Breakup Bitch - from breaking up to breaking free

Keep busy after a breakup: 50 things to try

After a breakup you might feel like you have more time on your hands, your ex is no longer around filling in your day.  It can be a real adjustment but it also a chance for you to be selfish - there are many wonderful ways to keep busy.  I heard a lot of different suggestions on how to keep busy after breaking up from the women I interviewed this year, so I thought it would be a good chance to put them all in one place. 

1. Volunteer at a group that interests you
2. Read trashy novels
3. Stash away all pictures of your ex
4. Start a new hobby
5. Plan an overseas holiday - even if it is for next year, start researching now
6. Attend a fun class
7. Go to a career counselor to work out where you are going with your career
8. Volunteer at your kids' school activities
9. Watch a whole TV series on DVD 
10. Plan a Wallowfest
11. Find some new recipes and master them
12. Hold a freedom dinner party - invite your friends around to try your amazing cooking
13. Look into taking a class that will advance your career
14. Start a herb or vegetable garden
15. Start writing a blog
16. Start researching and writing that book you always wanted to write
17. Organize your closet - pull out everything, sell the clothes that aren't 'you' anymore and enjoy the extra space  (especially as his clothes are gone)
18. Organize your iTunes library, create some new playlists
19. Create a budget
20. Start or join a book club
21. Clean out your bathroom cupboard and your makeup drawer
22. Do an adventure activity that is out of your comfort zone, like whitewater rafting
23. Write down your goals for the next year
24. Work out a plan of action to make your goals happen
25. Buy a vibrator!
26. Write some erotica
27. Start a new sport
28. Try a new exercise program, even if it is only walking regularly
29. Make a picture book for your kids
30. Talk things through with a therapist
31. Join an online forum of one of your interests
32. Find some blogs and websites you enjoy and follow them
33. Redecorate your bedroom
34. Go for a massage - you could try your local massage school for a discounted rate
35. Search for the perfect piece of freedom jewelry
36. Take a minibreak with your kids or friends and get away for the weekend
37. Get busy with art or craft projects you enjoy
38. Write a list of all the things you are thankful for
39. Write a list of all the things you want to be thankful for this time next year
40. Read that classic novel you've never had time for
41. Get some of your favorite photos printed out and framed
42. Start taking your camera around with you, and take more shots
43. Make a time with a person who has your dream job to ask how they got there
44. Make a time with a person who has your dream relationship to ask how they got there
45. Pull out your sewing machine and start on a sewing project
46. Get out the tools and start a home handywoman project
47. Say 'yes' when someone asks you to something you wouldn't normally go to
48. Have a crush on that cute guy that served you at the restaurant
49. Sleep in the middle of the bed - because you can!
50. Write your breakup tips or story to Sarah - I'd love to hear from you.
    

And of course you also need time out - time out to become accustomed to your newly single status, time out to grieve your past relationship, time out to adjust to your new life after breaking up.  Don't get overly busy otherwise the grieving process will take longer.  Make sure you have time to yourself.

I've also written about this in a related article on hubpages, with more detailed examples of women's stories of what they did to keep busy after a breakup.  If you'd like to add to your sad songs list on your iPod, check out my DJ Downer post

Going into withdrawal: the stages of breaking up

Like an alcoholic giving up vodka...

To understand the stages of breaking up, we need to think about what breaking up is doing to your brain.  Like withdrawal from a drug, a breakup is withdrawal from a person - and it’s hard to see past this. 

(Breaking up) actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.  That brain region desperately, hungrily seeks the loved one.  Withdrawal – as if weaning from a drug – takes over.

                                   Louann Brizindine, Neuropsychiatrist - The Female Brain

You will crave your ‘drug’ – your ex. It is normal to think obsessively about him as your brain searches to get its ‘fix’ of love hormones. Compound this with your grief as you realize what you are letting go of – not just your ex but your previous life as a couple – it becomes a rocky ride.   You obsess about him and about your breakup recovery process.

 The love hormones are a chemical in your body, so it isn't just a mental withdrawal - it is a physical withdrawal as well.  Think of all the wonderful fuzzy feelings you had when you hug, kiss and had sex with your ex.  They are hormones being released into your body to promote bonding and attachment.  The first stage of breaking up is going cold turkey from them.  It is not that you're not strong and finding it difficult to handle, instead it is partly a chemical withdrawal.

That is why following the no contact rule is so important.  Like an alcoholic giving up the vodka, you need to go cold turkey when breaking up with your ex.  This is the first stage you face when breaking up.

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This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  Check it out!

                    Amazon             New Zealand's Fishpond Booksite:

The Female Brain

Breakup interview: Rachel gets resolution

Yesterday we looked at Getting Some Control Back after a Breakup.  Here is an interview with Rachel - a woman who was dumped in a restaurant - after a 5-year relationship!

I talked with Rachel, a final year grad student about her breakup.  She met me in the park outside her University on a sunny day.  She had beautiful olive skin and black hair with a sheen that can only be natural.  She lifted her sunglasses in greeting and I could see the puffiness under her eyes.

       ‘I don’t really know what to do,’ she said.  ‘It’s too hard. Jack broke up with me three weeks ago.  I was…I am… devastated.  We’ve been going out for five years.  He’s my first real love.’

Breakup day

They had a long-distance relationship and when he came to visit one weekend a few weeks ago, he broke it off.   

       ‘I don’t want to be together anymore Rach,’ he said over the restaurant table. ‘It’s the fights…I’m too busy with work to handle it.’
Rachel couldn’t say anything in response, she just let out a groan that she quickly tried to muffle. 
       ‘We’re young,’ Jack said in a rehearsed tone. ‘We need to live our lives.  I can’t take the stress Rach.’
       ‘I have to go home,’ she replied.  ‘I can’t do this here.’
He stood up with her.  ‘I’ll get the check.  I’m staying at Mike’s, he said he’ll pick me up from here.’
       ‘You’re not coming back to my place?’
       ‘I can’t Rach.  Like I said…’
       ‘Right…yeah…we can’t be together,’ she replied, acutely aware of the other diners around her in the small restaurant.  ‘I’ve gotta go.’

Blaming herself

She got herself home and then the blame set in.  Instead of getting angry with him, she blamed herself for the arguments, she was sure it was her fault.
       ‘I’m very insecure and have no self-confidence,’ she said to her roommate, Yolanda. ‘He’s really busy with work and goes out all the time with his friends drinking and to clubs.  I just get jealous.  I can’t help myself…always ringing him, asking him where he’s been.’
       ‘It’s difficult,’ said Yolanda. ‘Long-distance relationships are almost impossible.  Don’t beat yourself up.’ 
       ‘But he never gave me a reason to doubt him.  I’m an idiot.  He never gave me a reason to think that he would cheat on me. Why did I think that?’

The other woman arrives

 These thoughts continued to plague her over the next weeks.  She talked to his roommate, Gary, who was a mutual friend.  He didn’t know they had broken up because Jack hadn’t said anything and seemed normal.  Then another friend told her when Jack started dating someone else.  She also found out he had been hanging out with this new woman before he broke up with Rachel.  She was confused about what really happened.

I spoke to her on the phone and suggested that a short breakup conversation in a restaurant wasn’t enough for her to move on.  She could ask to meet him next time he was in town.  It was a five-year relationship, and she deserved better.

The final post-breakup meeting

I caught up with her a few weeks later, this time when she removed her glasses, her eyes were back to normal and she gave me a brief smile.

       ‘I saw him last weekend,’ she said. ‘I almost didn’t want to know, but it was bugging me so much.  I can’t believe he broke up with me in a restaurant!  We talked for a couple of hours.  I’m not sure I believe everything he said – that woman had been around for a while but he said they were just friends before.  I don’t know about that though, I think he was seeing her before.  I feel better, still sad though – five years is a long time.  Why would he throw away five years just like that?’

If you are interested in true breakup stories, read some of my other interviews: Contact by Facebook or the commitment-phobe breakup 

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This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  Check it out!

And check out Confessions of an Online Dater as our very own Cougar braves the internet dating frontier!

Getting over a breakup - get some control back

You know what is the worst thing about being rejected?  The lack of control.  If I could only control the where and how of being dumped, it wouldn’t seem as bad.

                     
Like Rob, in the book High Fidelity, wishing for control in the chaos of your breakup is normal. The first stage of breaking up is often shock!  He broke up with me, you think.  Having control taken away from you is a difficult thing to deal with in any situation, but coupled with a broken heart and a bruised ego, it is even more trying. 

So how can you get some control back?  First let’s look at that final breakup conversation - which is always a shock even if you saw it coming:

    You were stunned, unable to think and definitely not able to ask the questions about the reasons for the breakup that you needed answering. 

    He felt sad but, as he has thought about it for a while, he got the resolution he needed. 

    You didn’t. 

Getting some control: Finding closure after your breakup

Work out what you need for resolution to give you back some control. Here are some examples of gaining control after a breakup:

• I have a friend Trish, who always has one last farewell weekend after the breakup. Not to fight, but to finish in a way she wants to remember.  Everything has already been said so instead she  has this great, if sad, weekend with her ex where she gets in as much loving as she can, (knowing that she won’t be getting any for a while).  This isn’t for everyone but it works for Trish.  Her ending is a romantic tragedy, two lovers who no longer could be together.   Delusional?  Perhaps, but it also marks the beginning of her grieving process. 

• One woman I met cut her ex off immediately - after he broke up with her by text.  She was stunned he had treated her so badly and so decided that he wasn’t worth any more of her energy, so she started the no contact rule immediately. 

• Another did a similar thing when her ex broke up by email: ‘I didn’t even send a reply - that was my control.  How dare he not see me to breakup?’

• I talked to yet another woman, Mona the day after her boyfriend broke up with her by text – the week her father had gone in for cancer surgery.  She wrote him an extremely angry email.

Think about what is going to help you get started with the End after your breakup. 

Try this exercise: Getting some control back - end on your terms

1. Think about what you need for resolution.  Write down your objectives to reach this.  You might need some questions answered.  Like Trish, it might be about having one last romantic farewell.  You might want to have the chance to get angry at him, or decide that he isn’t worth any further contact.
2. Work out how you can achieve your objective. If it is about answering questions, write down them down.   Plan this well, as this is your chance to get these issues cleared up
3. Ask for a time to meet him if that’s what you need – and make a start and end time, so there is dignity in the planned ending.  
4. Choose the location that suits you.  If you prefer to have a logical calm discussion then a public place like a café works, but if you are sure that the waterworks will start either have it at yours or his.  If you would like to be the one with the choice to leave, choose his or a friend’s place.
5. Get angry or sad if you need to, but keep your objectives in mind so you can try to get what you need from him.  Focus on getting some of your power back and to get some answers.
6. Remember that you may not get everything you need from this meeting (or email or weekend) – that’s the nature of a breakup.  You need to let it go.  Vent to your girlfriends, write a letter and then toss it, or do something physical with your frustration.

It’s time to promise yourself that was the last emotionally engaging conversation you are going to have with your ex.  It is time to let him go.  From now you need to follow the no contact rule. If you need extra help, download my eBook: 3 Simple Steps to getting over a breakup faster.

You are going to crave talking to him, but he is not that person in your life anymore.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Rachel - who tells her true breakup story about getting resolution and closure.

* * *

This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  Check it out!

Sign up now for my eBook, newsletter and lots of other free stuff to keep you sane in this crazy breakup time!

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Text-iquette - breakup by text

'Really Busy. Need Space.'

That's the text Adam Levine wrote when breaking up with Jessica Simpson - as reported by bestweekever.tv in 2006.  It doesn't just happen to celebrities - I've just heard about another friend who was broken up with by text.  Not fair at all!  How are you meant to get any closure in the 160 characters of a text? 

I went searching for text etiquette.  Maybe I was old-school?  Maybe the new thinking is that breaking up by text was OK?

Well it's NOT!  Every site I found with basic rules of texting said that it was not ok to breakup by text.  MacWorld says: 

When it comes to texting, the medium truly is the message. It is almost never appropriate to conduct important conversations about relationships, major life events, or critical work issues via text message, where the conversation invariably comes off as flippant. Pick up the phone, or use e-mail to engage in a more thoughtful discussion. Never break up with someone via text. Ever.

And I guess as experts on the iPhone, they should know. USA Today says if your message is about strong emotions don't text it:

Use discretion. Some sentiments should never be expressed through text. The most powerful and considerate way to declare your feelings is face-to-face. 

And if breaking up isn't declaring your feelings, I'm not sure what is!   I'm sure the reasons for breaking up by text (or post-it, a la Sex and the City) are not spiteful and more about protecting yourself from confrontation, but it does not help your partner be able to get some kind of closure.  Email is better - but really face-to-face is the only way to breakup if you respect your partner fully. 

Tomorrow I'll look at how to get over a breakup by getting some control back - when your ex breaks up with you.

Getting Over Your Ex Faster - FREE eBook!

I am really excited to have my 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster eBook ready for you to download. It covers some of the stages of breaking up.

You might feel you are stuck in your breakup. You might worry that you think about your ex too often and that you may never get over him. What you want is:

• To move on faster
• Get over him for once and for all
• To do more than the no-contact rule

If you want to turn into a free woman and start your new beginning, your first action is to download my FREE 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster eBook.

Take strides towards getting over your ex today!

3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster gives you:

• Concrete exercises you can do now to help you let go of your ex
• New habits to start you on your new beginning
• A strategy to deal with friends and family (who might not be helping)

You get told ‘accept your breakup’ or ‘don’t be hard on yourself’– what does this mean? How are you meant to do it? In 3 Simple Steps to Getting Over a Breakup Faster, I’ll give you some easy things you can start doing today.

Change your attitude & your life!

Breakup exercise: relationship goals & men with commitment phobia

We talked yesterday about when he doesn't want to commit, after my interview with Beth about Adrien - Her story of dealing with men with commitment phobia

So now it is time to work out what you want: 

1.  Take your 'Adrien' out of the picture.

2.  Think about what you want in your life and in your relationships

3.  List these things - writing goals makes them much stronger, and you will become more committed to them.

4.  Tell a good friend about your goals.  This will firm them up in your mind even more.

5.  You have every right to expect good things in your life - and so you can only ask your kind-of boyfriend to join you in the type of relationship you really want.

6.  Respect yourself and follow the outcome.  If he doesn't want what you want, it is time to cut him loose and make yourself free for someone who does want what you want! 

You don't have time to deal with men with commitment phobia!

Breakup advice: men with commitment phobia

Last week, I ran an interview with Beth about Adrian - commitment phobia men and trying to breakup with them.

Beth was hooked in by Adrien.  She knew she should have just finished it after France, but like a gambler she had started by winning (he spent time with her), hooking her in.  Then you sometimes you are together and sometimes you are not – you are never quite sure when you are going to ‘win’. He has a phobia about commitment and there is a real danger that this kind of relationship can be addictive:  you don’t quite get enough so you keep trying, hoping that your wonderful personality and fabulousness will fix the situation. It takes your energy and time, and you always want more. 

The way to sort this out is to bring it into the open and ask for what you want.  Terrifying as you put your ego on the line.  You may have avoided this kinds of discussion just in case it spoils things.  You may well kind-of break up the kind-of relationship, but at least you are not wasting your time on something that isn’t satisfying, and quite possibly unhealthy for you.  You do not need men with commitment phobia in your life!

Reader question: Why does my ex keep calling me?

A reader sent in this email about the no contact rule:

My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, after we had been together for 17 months, and I've been trying hard to follow the no contact rule.  It's been hard, but I gave back his stuff, we worked out the money we owed each other and then I really have been trying to not call him.  The problem is last week he started to send me texts and last night he called to see how I was doing.  Does he want to get back together with me?  Should I start calling him too?  Why is he calling me?

Gina

Gina, it is not surprising that you are confused - he's acting like he wants you back.  You are going to have to be extra-strong as you are receiving mixed messages and this is can be a difficult time to stay strong.  First steps:

1.  Stop answering his calls

2.  Don't reply to his texts.

3.  Send him a non-emotional email asking him to please stop calling you as it is upsetting you. 

When I get your texts and phone calls, I feel upset and confused.  Please stop calling me.  I hope           one day we can be friends, but right now it is too hard for me.)

There are two reasons for his phone calls:

1.  He is lonely and misses you. You were together for almost a year and a half, that's a long time.  Of course he misses you.  You were a big part of his life.  But missing you and wanting you back are two completely different things. 

2.  You are acting cool and unobtainable and so you are instantly attractive.  I don’t know why – there will no doubt be some psychological or evolutionary reason – but people often want what they can’t have.  He is checking that he still has some power over you - DO NOT be sucked in to this! The likelihood is he will not continue to behave like this if you start calling him back.  He definitely would not be doing this if you were acting all sad and clingy like he expected you to - instead that would have him running for the hills!


You wouldn’t have been with him for all that time if you didn’t love him.  So going without contact is really hard.  It can be even harder if he keeps reeling you back in.  This is a dangerous situation because it is easy to excuse taking his call as opposed to actually making the call yourself.  Remind yourself that it is going to make it harder on you, but if you give in, don’t beat yourself up.  Pick yourself up and tell yourself next time you won’t answer.  

But right now - write that email and start looking forward to your new life.

Check out these No Contact Posts: No Contact Rule 1, No Contact Rule 2, No Contact Rule 3, No Contact: Facebook and Going No Contact

Breakup song lyrics: don't speak!

I was looking through lyrics.com for songs about breakups.  One breakup tip I recommend is to make your own DJ Downer Playlist when you have broken up, include songs that make you angry, sad or help you to pour out your frustration.  One of the ways we get over a relationship is to see other people's interpretation of their breakups in their art - writing, songs, poetry, paintings.  It is a way we connect with a common human condition.

No Doubt's song 'Don't Speak', from their album Tragic Kingdom, definitely is one of the songs to include - it is about that breakup conversation, when you really want him to stop speaking, you don't want to hear him breaking up with you:

It looks as though you are letting go,

And if it's real,

Then I don't want to know.

Don't speak,

I know just what you're say,

So please just stop explaining,

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

The full lyrics to Don't Speak are here and you might also be interested in the sad breakup quotes that I post on a Friday.