The Breakup Bitch - from breaking up to breaking free

Going No Contact - My Story

Going No Contact is a tough thing to do, so I am putting together a series of posts to help you through this time.  This will keep you motivated to keep with your goal of staying away from your ex - when what you really want to do is scream at him, to talk to him, to throw things at him, to ask him more questions, to find out 'why.'  Keeping up no contact is important - you can refind yourself and get on with your life.

The first story in this series needs to be my own.  The ending of my last relationship was swift.  I met Brian through an online dating site and I lost him to online dating.  We had been together for two years, had bought a house and were planning to have children.  He was the most intense guy I had ever been with – sometimes he was a whirlwind of excitement and at other times he was just hard work.  But he was intelligent, interesting and worked hard.  When he was ‘up’, we had a good time together.

On my 38th birthday I had my first suspicion he was cheating and five days later I found proof he was trolling internet dating sites for women - following this up with dates and dirty texts.  I screamed at him, took time out and within a week decided that as he was still lying, we had to breakup.  It was hard to go from thinking that everything was great in our relationship to being single so quickly.  It was hard to get my head around the change.  

I did my best to go No Contact with him – we had property and money to sort out so we still had to communicate.  I tried to keep it business-like and do it by email but it was hard.  I slipped up – I was not perfect.  But I kept at it as I knew I had no choice.  I did not want to be with him anymore, and going No Contact was the easiest way to get him out of my system.  

It worked.  And it can work for you too. 

Getting Out of a Funk

So what to do when you are depressed and sad and want to get out of feeling bad?  After my horrific last year there were some tricks I had to get myself through:

• I let myself be miserable at first.  I shut the door, hid away from people and had a time when I felt sorry for myself.  I camped out in bed and cried.
• I had some diversions ready for when I was tired of crying - a good book, movies downloaded - things that I could access that would take my mind off things.
• I didn't feel like it, but would get involved in a project, something that I eventually enjoyed doing and that took me into the future and got my mind active - writing this blog and my book were really helpful.  So was working out in the garden trying to create something. In other times in my life I've thrown myself into my work.
• Walking for me is very healing.  When I wanted to do more than weep in bed, I went for a walk with my iPod on.  It didn't matter if I was in the city walking to the book store or out in nature.  It is a great way to clear my head.  Getting moving in any way is helpful though - yoga, running, swimming - whatever suits you.
• I was careful about who I spent time with - the last thing you need is a 'told you so' type person in your life.  I spent time with supportive friends and had a 'lite' version of the dramas in my life that I told people that I didn't want to involve too much.
• I made lists when I needed to start doing things again - lists of small activities that add up to the  big activities I needed to finish.  'Clean the house' was broken down into small actions like 'vacuum upstairs,' 'make bed' and so on.
• I asked for help when I needed it.
• I looked for hope where ever I could get it - it all seems silly when you are feeling better, but a good astrology reading for that week could brighten the day!  Other people's success stories were also helpful - although not right at the beginning, later when I started to look beyond my bed!

That's a short list of things I did.  I hope it is helpful to you - do take time to grieve and be kind to yourself.  It is a time of big upheaval so take care and look after yourself, like you would look after a good friend.

Good-bye 2009, hello 2010

 I haven't written for a while - 2009 ended badly and I couldn't focus on my blog.  I had a bad year in general in 2009, but I kept trying to keep my positivity going saying 'there are many great things about 2009.'  Indeed there were many great things about 2009 that I am thankful for. 

I almost finished my Smart Woman's Breakup Book manuscript, and got great responses from the professional writers who edited it.  I completed my writing diploma.  I met many great people and had a wonderful time in the US again.  I came back to NZ and moved into my wonderful house.  I had my first wedding anniversary with my lovely husband.  If you didn't know me well, you would think I was living a dream life, but appearances can be deceptive.

But I also suffered through 6 miscarriages.  My grief is so huge that it is beyond processing, and instead I have become numb.  The last one started the week of Christmas, so you can understand how happy I was to say good-bye to 2009.  2010 is going to be much better.  I know so many people who had a hard 2009 - what with the recession, but also many people going through personal crises as well.  There are many of us saying 'hello and welcome' to the New Year. 

You may well feel the same. 

So I decided to start the blog this year writing about hopes and dreams - and goal setting to get you there!  I need to be positive again - and I guess so do you.  Let's get on with building a better future!

Dreaming Big Dreams: Working Out What is Important

There are a lot of books out there that talk about visualizing your way to success - and setting goals is part of the process.  I particularly like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - as the author, leadership expert Stephen Covey does not just go on about making loads of money (as some of those types of books do).  It is a bit 'businessy' in tone, but the big thing he focuses on working out what is important to you.  There's not much use visualizing making a million dollars if that is not going to make you really happy.

He includes several exercises that you can try to work out what is really important to you:

1.  Imagine you have been told you have 3 months to live, but you are to continue with your job.  Visualize how you will spend the next 3 months.   This will give you a different perspective about your life.  Try living this new frame of mind for a week and see what you learn.

2.  Imagine you are sitting at a funeral service of a loved one.  You park the car and walk into the building seeing faces of friends and family as you enter.  You feel the sorrow of loss.  You walk to the front of the service and look inside the casket and come face to face with you - this is your funeral in five years in the future.  All these people have come to honor you.

You take a service program and see that four speakers are listed - one is from your immediate family, one is a close friend, the third is someone you work with, and the fourth is someone from your community or from an organization you are involved with.  Now think about what you would like each speaker to say about your life.  What kind of person would you want to be remembered as?  What kind of character do people say you have and what contributions do you want to be remembered for?

This is a great way for you to work out what your real priorities are in life - not what you think you should be working towards, but who you really want to become.

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This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  The first post in this series about goals and dreams is Dreaming the Big Dreams

Dreaming Big Dreams after Breaking Up!

 This week in The Stages of Breaking Up series, we'll look at your Fabulous New Single You life - and the hope that will be creeping back in.  

With all the stimulation you are getting from your life being turned upside down with your breakup, you will start getting ideas about what you want out of life.  It is the end of the year and a great time to let yourself go crazy about your big-picture dreams.  Big-picture dreams can be personal, professional or to do with relationships.  They give you a vision for your life, and give you something to aspire for.  They are things like:

•    Be financially independent

•    Have excitement in my life

•    Be a great Mom

•    Have a supportive and happy relationship

The questions below might also stimulate you into developing the vision of your Fabulous New Single You life:

•    What are some of the things you have always wanted to do or be– but maybe you think you don’t have the skills or the time to do it?

•    What are some of your dreams from before your breakup? Do they fit still?

•    Look back at your dreams from when you were younger – what happened to those early goals?

•    In the time since your breakup, what have you been daydreaming about?

•    What gives you joy?

•    Who are you?  What are some of your roles in life?  Are there dreams that relate to these roles?

I love Julia Child's quote:

Life itself is the proper binge.

New Years is a great time for you to think about what you desire and what you want to binge on in the year ahead!

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This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  Check it out!   

Finding the Truth about a Cheating Boyfriend or Husband

I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

                                                                President Bill Clinton

Finding out what exactly happened when you are dealing with infidelity is not always a simple mission. 

Former US President Bill Clinton lied about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky - and continued to lie until the list of evidence became too long for him to refute. 

Not really sex...

According to his testimony in the deposition of the Paula Jones sexual-harassment case, his definition of a sexual relationship was limited to ‘two people having intercourse.’  The court widened the definition of sexual relations to ‘contact with the genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh, or buttocks of any person with an intent to gratify or arouse the sexual desire of any person…’ He still denied it, finding a loophole: Lewinsky performed oral sex on him therefore he was not the ‘actor’ making the contact. 

'Is' not 'Was'

Clinton’s lawyer said that they understood Lewinsky’s affidavit was true when it said ‘…that there is absolutely no sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form with President Clinton.’  Clinton did not correct him.  When questioned later before the Grand Jury about this, he said the statement was true as counsel had used the present tense ‘is’– rather than past tense – and at that time the affair was over.

If Clinton is adept at smudging the truth and lying through omission during a deposition and impeachment, the likelihood is your cheater will try similar tactics.  There will be something inside of you that will push to know what happened as you get around his casual treatment of the truth. 

Revenge ideas on ex boyfriend - don't try this at home!

I met several women who did what many of us fantasize about - carried out revenge against their ex!  It's not something I recommend, but just reading the revenge stories and thinking about revenge ideas can give us a buzz, even when we don't do anything about it.  

So what have people done that I talked to?

• Revenge idea 1:  Got back together with a cheating ex, lulled him into thinking all was forgiven and got him to admit the full infidelity story - then kicked his ass out!
• Revenge idea 2: Glued ex boyfriend's windshield wipers to the glass
• Revenge idea 3:  Dating a friend of your ex boyfriend's (ended badly - I do not recommend!)
• Revenge idea 4: Rating your ex boyfriend honestly on womansavers.com
  
• Revenge idea 5: One woman, after leaving her boyfriend after a massive fight channeled Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction.  She had bought him some designer jeans for his upcoming birthday, so she cut one leg off right up at the crotch.  She then wrapped it beautifully and left it at his front door.
• Revenge idea 6: I talked to a woman who, after her breakup, took their joint debit card out shopping, buying wonderful clothes for her and their daughter.

To get some more ideas, I went to Yahoo Answers and asked the community there what they might have done and got some interesting replies:

• Revenge idea 7: 'My ex and I had a bad break up that was not my fought this time. So I knew her myspace username, logged on and clicked the I forgot password button. And answered the simple questions like what school you attended and whats your pets name and stuff like that, easy. And then I was ready to dig my own grave. Put her actual cell number on her profile and skanked it up a tad bit. Sent out some dirty emails to some of her friends with it and thats it. The next day we made up and I had to hurry and clean up everything I did before she found out. Well we broke up again and that was it.'
• Revenge idea 8: 'i sent my ex a she-male escort and a mushroom, anchovy, black olive pizza with no sauce.'
• Revenge idea 9: 'i've gotten revenge before i broke up with him.  all i can say is he cheated, i found out, i worked at a dr's office and he needed to get tested and he ALLOWED me (of all people) to do the testing.  he cried and i told him to get out.'

Mostly though, revenge seems to stay just a fantasy.  Many women talked about dreaming of getting even, but most knew that those dreams weren’t really meant to turn into reality.  Many used the energy of revenge to make sure they held on to their self-respect in the months after the breakup.  Instead of acting, they turned the energy inward and focused it in a positive way on themselves.

Living your best life (and knowing your ex has missed out on someone great) is the best revenge of all.

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This post is part of a series about The Stages of Breaking up - there are many more coming on grief, depression, crying, anger, the next girlfriend and more.  Check it out!

Other articles you might like to read about diversions after breaking up:

Keeping Busy After Breaking Up

50 Things to Try to Keep Busy After a Breakup

Breakup diary: holiday uncommitment

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill.  1 month until we breakup and things are turning to custard...

5/20  Why does it always have to be so difficult with T?  Bloody bastard - this totally pisses me off.  How selfish is he?  How much time does he want to spend with me?  None at all obviously.  It upsets me.  Why?  I think he doesn't love me?  He made a commitment and broke it?  He wants to go to a druggy party with his friends and not a tropical holiday with me, and it hurts.  It makes me sad.  God we can't even have a holiday without fighting.  Why is he so selfish?

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill.  1 month until we breakup and things are turning to custard...

5/20  Why does it always have to be so difficult with T?  Bloody bastard - this totally pisses me off.  How selfish is he?  How much time does he want to spend with me?  None at all obviously.  It upsets me.  Why?  I think he doesn't love me?  He made a commitment and broke it?  He wants to go to a druggy party with his friends and not a tropical holiday with me, and it hurts.  It makes me sad.  God we can't even have a holiday without fighting.  Why is he so selfish?

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

15 Rules of Dating

I recently reviewed Getting Past Your Breakup and in it there is a cautious and sensible set of rules about dating (when you're ready to get out there again).  These are caring, look-after-yourself dating rules - not the strange be-a-woman-like-no-other rules you see in some dating books (like The Rules which I obviously don't like!!!):

1. Enjoy yourself!
2. Stay safe - trust your intuition
3. Relax and keep the conversation breezy
4. Listen to your date (really listen, be careful about your inner dialogue trying to prove how compatible you are, what you hope he is saying)
5. Don't reveal too much on early dates - if there are skeletons in your closet you can tell them 3-4 dates down the line
6. Avoid long conversations in the days following the first date - take time to assess this person
7. Don't get involved physically for the first few dates - this helps you to keep some perspective
8. Journal your reactions after each date - be careful about justifying away warning signs
9. Go slowly
10. Don't allow yourself to be pushed too fast
11. Don't get depressed if the date doesn't turn into the love of your life - it won't be this way forever
12. Don't start thinking about the future - if the date goes badly, don't generalize that you will be alone forever...and if the date goes well - take it as it comes, evaluate the person not his potential
13. Accept rejection - and don't judge yourself!
14. One bad date is not the end of the world - in fact it will probably turn into a funny story to tell your friends (check out Confessions of an Online Dater )
15. Do some positive affirmations - you are OK no matter what happens!

Amazon readers:             NZ Fishpond Site:
Getting Past Your Breakup

Breakup diary: bullied

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill.  1 1/2 months until we breakup and it starts to get desperate...

1/5   First day of May and end the day fighting and start the day fighting.  But I will not be spoken to like that!   I figure the only way to do it is to either shut up or to say 'ask nicely.' 'Could you say that one more time nicely?' To try and get him into the habit.  I will not be bullied.  I mean really yesterday to bully me to make a set time and place - what a stupid thing to bully me over.  I feel centered.  It is only a matter of retraining.  I won't argue about it anymore. 

I would like a nice home with harmony.  I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when he has that tired sound in his voice.  I know you will attack me.  Maybe he doesn't see it as attacking but I do.  I would not speak to a dog like he speaks to me.  Then I watch him and wait, and sure enough he does it.  

For years I have made excuses for his rudeness - Japanese way, tired, etc.  But he is no longer a hard working businessman, and I have seen our Japanese friends being nice to their wives.  So I say enough!  I understand this is the way he has communicated for a long time so I shall retrain him. 

Everytime  you do it, I will swallow back my anger and ask you to repeat it in a nice way. 

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.

T and I were still together when I wrote this, but things are quickly going downhill.  1 1/2 months until we breakup and it starts to get desperate...

1/5   First day of May and end the day fighting and start the day fighting.  But I will not be spoken to like that!   I figure the only way to do it is to either shut up or to say 'ask nicely.' 'Could you say that one more time nicely?' To try and get him into the habit.  I will not be bullied.  I mean really yesterday to bully me to make a set time and place - what a stupid thing to bully me over.  I feel centered.  It is only a matter of retraining.  I won't argue about it anymore. 

I would like a nice home with harmony.  I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when he has that tired sound in his voice.  I know you will attack me.  Maybe he doesn't see it as attacking but I do.  I would not speak to a dog like he speaks to me.  Then I watch him and wait, and sure enough he does it.  

For years I have made excuses for his rudeness - Japanese way, tired, etc.  But he is no longer a hard working businessman, and I have seen our Japanese friends being nice to their wives.  So I say enough!  I understand this is the way he has communicated for a long time so I shall retrain him. 

Everytime  you do it, I will swallow back my anger and ask you to repeat it in a nice way. 

Read about the background to my Diary of a Breakup, or read all my breakup diary entries.