Writing (Not Talking) Through Your Problems

Many of us turn to our friends and family to talk through our problems after we breakup (or in fact have any major issue in our lives). We go over our sadness, what he did, what we did, what we should have done, what he shouldn’t have done. We rehash it…again and again.

But this stage of breaking up isn’t something that will help you get over your ex. I’ve been reading an interesting little book called 59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot , written by Professor Richard Wiseman. He looks at the scientific studies backing common self-help exercises to see if they really work. And talking through your problems after breaking up helps less than you may think.

Most of us believe that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’ But a Belgium study looked at the affect of sharing a traumatic experience with someone else – and it showed that it made no difference in helping them cope. Several studies though have shown that writing down (and you can just spend a few minutes a day doing this) your deepest thoughts and feelings about your problem can help improve your psychological and physical well-being.

…including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness.

Richard Wiseman, 59 Seconds

So why does talking about it not work, while writing does help? Just talking about your problems is somewhat chaotic and can lead to more confusion but researchers believe that writing gives you the chance to structure your thoughts, you ‘create a storyline’ and this helps you to make sense of what happened to you. From there, you can work towards a solution.

I definitely found that when I was on the rocky road of ending my marriage, my diary helped. It gave me a sense of control – whatever the mayhem around me, I was able to keep writing in my diary and this helped me to ’see’ what was going on. It gave me perspective in the muddle of devastation. The other thing it did was help me to see what was bothering me. Maybe I moaned to my friends about my relationship problems, but it wasn’t until I saw the same issues coming up again and again in my diary was I motivated to do anything about it.

It was helpful to write in the aftermath of my breakup. As I channeled my complaints and grief onto the pages, my head cleared and I could think about other things for some of the time. I could rehash and rewrite my past, and I could see that logically I had made the right decision. It’s hard to think about going back when you have pages and pages of writing about how unhappy you were in the relationship – no matter what you tried.

So try it out, grab a notebook – something sturdy and small you can carry around with you – and get writing. Put some structure to your grief, and find the way forward.

If you need extra support getting over that ex of yours, check out The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program – it’s based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts. You can download a sample chapter here.