The Myth of Happily Married

Learn to fight without hostility and derision, but if staying married means constantly fighting, from the point of view of your health, you’re better off out of it.

Jan Kiecolt-Glaser, clinical psychologist

I stumbled upon this article about myths and marriage – if you are in an unhappy marriage or relationship, this research may make think twice about sticking together at all costs. You’ve probably read articles about research that shows that marriage may make you happier, healthier and richer. But it seems it isn’t quite that simple – a happy marriage may give you those benefits but staying in an unhappy marriage may be bad for your health.

Firstly the benefits of marriage are skewed towards men:

‘married men live longer than single men; married men accumulate more wealth than single men; married men are far less likely to die a violent death than single men; married men report themselves to be much happier than single men, and married men suffer less alcoholism, drug addiction and depression than single men.’
BUT ‘ For women, however, marriage means more depression, less career success and less good health and, until recently, a greater chance of dying a violent death – usually at the hands of the men they love.’

Next, research shows that unhappy marriages can be very bad for your health. Clinical trials have shown that for both men and women bad marriages or marriages with high relationship stress affect your health.

Blood tests in women in unhappy marriages show that their immune systems are weakened (and this applied to women still hung up on ex-husbands – so do the work you need to do to purge that ex from your life!).
After stressful arguments, couples were shown to have lowered immunity, with the body taking longer to heal.

So how you fight and how often you fight is important to your health – and if you have already broken up, you can focus on the stress you are not putting your body through now. It is a relief to let the arguments go.

You might be considering giving up your relationship - The Smart Woman’s Breakup Program includes a section about deciding on staying or going, giving you 4 strategies to work through, as well as good decision-making techniques. The program is based on over 100 interviews with women facing breakups just like you and includes the advice of over 25 experts. You can download a sample chapter here.