Sometimes things just don't go according to plan!
2010 is to be the year things go smoothly – I thought – I deserve it after last year. If only we could control the universe in that way! This week I had a trip to the hospital, a leak in the bathroom has caved in the downstairs bedroom ceiling, someone stole my phone and I’m not starting the graduate course I applied for.
I thought the year had started well - the Husband is off walking the whole of length of New Zealand to get some space and release some of that 2009 stress. I have some (head) space for me to get grounded after the year that was bloody awful (and an excuse to visit parts of the country that I haven’t been to for a while).
But my 2010 plans seem to already be going awry – I hoped to do some graduate study this year but an admin error held up my application long enough so I missed out this semester. It felt like the right thing to do when I was applying, but as I can’t do it Right Now, the appeal is waning. So perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do. Perhaps I was just filling my mind with thinking about the future, rather than dealing the grief of the past and present.
I have more than enough projects started to keep me busy, but after the grief of last year I wanted Something Else. I wanted to get away from my life as it was, and move somehow into a new life that doesn’t contain grief and sadness and frustration. I’m not sure how a graduate programme was going to do that, but it might have kept me so busy I wouldn’t think.
So this is something to think about when you are working out your goals and dreams – check your motivation. Are you running away from something, rather than moving forward? Have you taken the time you need to grieve your old life and relationship, so when it is time to move into your new life you are ready?
I don’t think I had taken enough time. I need to let myself be busy for the next few months, but not so frenetic that there isn’t a moment to breathe. What do you need to let yourself do this year?
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