In today’s article in my series on the stages of breaking up, I’ll look at the big question: how long will it take to get over your breakup? For a major breakup, studies have shown that the time for change and personal growth can be anywhere from six months to two years after the break. I met women who were out dating again after three months and one who said that her last breakup took two years (although she was also grieving her dream of having children at the same time).
The breaker and the breakee
If he broke up with you: you look at him jealously as you are sure he isn’t feeling as bad as you do. You are sure the one doing the dumping has an easier time. But it isn’t true – research has found that both partners go through a similar pattern of mourning the lost relationship. It seems harder for you right now, because you have had less time to adjust. The person initiating the breakup will have done some of their mourning while still in the relationship, making the decision to breakup is part of the process.
With most of us, we’ve had deep and meaningful discussions with our ex before breaking up. We might have fought, had a trial separation, or had a feeling something was going on. We’ve wondered if it was all going to work out, and we might even have thought about life without him. These are the early stages of mourning the relationship. For those of you truly shocked at an unexpected ending, you only just have your first foot aboard the breakup train, so there is further for you to go. But know you will get through it.
I take 6 months
Me? I take six months. Before you panic, that’s not six months of boohooing into a hanky. Some of the time I’m crying (I’m a crier anyway), sometimes I’m out with the girls, rearranging my house, boring my friends with stories about my ex, mooning over a new crush or two, working hard, picking up a new hobby and generally working out who the hell I am all over again. It’s a busy six months.
I need that time to adjust and to recognize myself again. Sometimes it’s crap and I feel lost. But there’s something exciting about it as well. I would never give it up as it comes with a sense of freedom – who am I and who can I be?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
God I don’t want it to take 6 months Sarah! I want it to be over now!!! Do you really think it will take that long?
Hi Liza,
I’m sorry, I don’t know how long it will take, I only know how long it took me to get to the place where I felt like dating again. It’s not all bad in that time – there is an energy and excitement about becoming this new person. I wrote about grief and transitions here if you are interested in reading more, and I highly recommend the book Transitions, you can see it on the Amazon ‘My picks’ to the right.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Breakup-Tip-Acceptance