You know what is the worst thing about being rejected? The lack of control. If I could only control the where and how of being dumped, it wouldn’t seem as bad.
Like Rob, in the book High Fidelity
So how can you get some control back? First let’s look at that final breakup conversation – which is always a shock even if you saw it coming:
You were stunned, unable to think and definitely not able to ask the questions about the reasons for the breakup that you needed answering.
He felt sad but, as he has thought about it for a while, he got the resolution he needed.
You didn’t.
Getting some control: Finding closure after your breakup
Work out what you need for resolution to give you back some control. Here are some examples of gaining control after a breakup:
- I have a friend Trish, who always has one last farewell weekend after the breakup. Not to fight, but to finish in a way she wants to remember. Everything has already been said so instead she has this great, if sad, weekend with her ex where she gets in as much loving as she can, (knowing that she won’t be getting any for a while). This isn’t for everyone but it works for Trish. Her ending is a romantic tragedy, two lovers who no longer could be together. Delusional? Perhaps, but it also marks the beginning of her grieving process.
- One woman I met cut her ex off immediately – after he broke up with her by text. She was stunned he had treated her so badly and so decided that he wasn’t worth any more of her energy, so she started the no contact rule immediately.
- Another did a similar thing when her ex broke up by email: ‘I didn’t even send a reply – that was my control. How dare he not see me to breakup?’
- I talked to yet another woman, Mona the day after her boyfriend broke up with her by text – the week her father had gone in for cancer surgery. She wrote him an extremely angry email.
Think about what is going to help you get started with the End after your breakup.
Try this exercise: Getting some control back – end on your terms
- Think about what you need for resolution. Write down your objectives to reach this. You might need some questions answered. Like Trish, it might be about having one last romantic farewell. You might want to have the chance to get angry at him, or decide that he isn’t worth any further contact.
- Work out how you can achieve your objective. If it is about answering questions, write down them down. Plan this well, as this is your chance to get these issues cleared up
- Ask for a time to meet him if that’s what you need – and make a start and end time, so there is dignity in the planned ending.
- Choose the location that suits you. If you prefer to have a logical calm discussion then a public place like a café works, but if you are sure that the waterworks will start either have it at yours or his. If you would like to be the one with the choice to leave, choose his or a friend’s place.
- Get angry or sad if you need to, but keep your objectives in mind so you can try to get what you need from him. Focus on getting some of your power back and to get some answers.
- Remember that you may not get everything you need from this meeting (or email or weekend) – that’s the nature of a breakup. You need to let it go. Vent to your girlfriends, write a letter and then toss it, or do something physical with your frustration.
It’s time to promise yourself that was the last emotionally engaging conversation you are going to have with your ex. It is time to let him go. From now you need to follow the no contact rule. If you need extra help, download my eBook: 3 Simple Steps to getting over a breakup faster.
You are going to crave talking to him, but he is not that person in your life anymore.
Tomorrow I have an interview with Rachel – who tells her true breakup story about getting resolution and closure.
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