A reader sent in this email about the no contact rule:
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, after we had been together for 17 months, and I’ve been trying hard to follow the no contact rule. It’s been hard, but I gave back his stuff, we worked out the money we owed each other and then I really have been trying to not call him. The problem is last week he started to send me texts and last night he called to see how I was doing. Does he want to get back together with me? Should I start calling him too? Why is he calling me?
Gina
Gina, it is not surprising that you are confused – he’s acting like he wants you back. You are going to have to be extra-strong as you are receiving mixed messages and this is can be a difficult time to stay strong. First steps:
1. Stop answering his calls
2. Don’t reply to his texts.
3. Send him a non-emotional email asking him to please stop calling you as it is upsetting you.
When I get your texts and phone calls, I feel upset and confused. Please stop calling me. I hope one day we can be friends, but right now it is too hard for me.)
There are two reasons for his phone calls:
1. He is lonely and misses you. You were together for almost a year and a half, that’s a long time. Of course he misses you. You were a big part of his life. But missing you and wanting you back are two completely different things.
2. You are acting cool and unobtainable and so you are instantly attractive. I don’t know why – there will no doubt be some psychological or evolutionary reason – but people often want what they can’t have. He is checking that he still has some power over you – DO NOT be sucked in to this! The likelihood is he will not continue to behave like this if you start calling him back. He definitely would not be doing this if you were acting all sad and clingy like he expected you to – instead that would have him running for the hills!
You wouldn’t have been with him for all that time if you didn’t love him. So going without contact is really hard. It can be even harder if he keeps reeling you back in. This is a dangerous situation because it is easy to excuse taking his call as opposed to actually making the call yourself. Remind yourself that it is going to make it harder on you, but if you give in, don’t beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and tell yourself next time you won’t answer.
But right now – write that email and start looking forward to your new life.
If you are struggling with going no contact with your ex, download the free chapter of my new ebook – The Smart Woman’s Breakup Book: ‘Get Him Out of Your Life.’ It gives you lists and exercises to follow to get you prepared to go no contact – and you get to read real-life stories of women and men facing this challenge after a breakup.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Nonsense. If he is calling, he is still interested, period. Handle it by making him do all the calling, and then from time to time, don’t take his calls. Be vague. People get back together all the time, and sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. There is nothing wrong with playing along; you might end up together for good. The only time I’d advise against this plan is if he was abusive in any way, or hotly jealous and suffocating. If you broke up for petty reasons, you can patch it back together, especially if the love was true.
Take his calls, then don’t. Don’t initiate calls. Eventually he will either s**t or get off the pot. Try to remain cool and of course, if you meet someone better while all of this is going on, the point is moot. Never take his calls again.
Jean, thanks for your comment. You are coming from a completely different place and it is interesting to see another point of view. I have to disagree with you though – as I dislike games like these. Any man that doesn’t respect you enough to stay together doesn’t deserve you. I guess if you are quite young and broke up over something small it might be worth trying again. But for a long term relationship? Has the problem gone away that caused the breakup? He broke up with you for a reason – unless he has changed substantially, that problem is still there. Not the kind of guy I’d want to be with long term.
I know its too hard to forget me but baby i passing threw from the same situation…I feel upset and confused when i don’t see your text and phone calls but what to do you are married now and still calling me that’s not good , now i am in fear…
If he was the one who broke up with you then just give him his space. It’s hard keeping the no contact rule but it works. My boyfriend dumped me for money and position. We have a two yr old daughter together. When he left my daughter cryed every night saying dada. It hurt meso much seing my daughter miss her dad. When i told him he said she’ll get use to it .it killed me but now I’m the one with the scale . The no contact rule really works.. Be strong think of all a bad things he created in